The Dead Go First

That makes me piss!

2009-08-14T14:46:00.002-04:00

What can i say? A few months gone and a new horizon approaches. What does that mean? Fuck if I know? it is just what happened when my fingers hit the keyboard. Fact is I am probably in the most stressful position I have been in in my entire life. Having said that I should probably explain:
For the past year or so I was under the care of both a psychiatrist and a psychologist with plenty of meds to boot. My initial condition was called acute depression with suicidal ideation. (Ha! spellchecker is telling me that "ideation" isn't even a word!) What this means in real person speak was that I was very unhappy and I pondered ways to remove myself from the life equation. After, what I considered, a reasonable amount of time I decided to forgo anymore drugs. The reason why was simple. Under the bizarre cocktail of drugs I was on I was rendered emotionally inert. My goal was to stop feeling bad but the best modern science could offer was just to stop me from feeling at all.
I did my research, planned my prescriptions and set about weening myself from this horrible concoction I had allowed into my body. It has been two weeks since I have been completely free of the drugs, as far as taking them that is, and I must say I was better off before I had even taken them! i can only hope that these effects are just leftover occurrences of the crap leaving my body. I would try to describe what it is that I have been experiencing but there are no words that could do these sensations justice. As time progresses the frequency of the strange durations are fade but it is still quite unsettling.

New Dawn Fades

2009-02-19T08:43:00.002-05:00

It's Thursday. Gaming day. The day where, for better or worse, I entertain a group of insolent wretches I dub "my dearest fiends." They really are a bunch of great guys and we usually have a great time. If it weren't for game day I am sure by now I would have eaten my family. I have been running a game for these guys almost every week for about 3 years now. It is a lot of work and it takes more energy than one would expect. I don't do those prepackaged adventures either, I do my own. It takes weeks of preparation for just one game session so I am usually a few weeks ahead in the process. This helps me be able to modify things to suit the actions of the players. I love running games. I love conceiving stories and plots for the players to uncover. I love it when they put the pieces together and see that some minor action way back in the beginning has ramifications later on. I love it all.
Now having said that I am in need of a break. A real break. I've taken as much as a month off for a trip once but that is only a minor respite in the grander picture. My batteries are near empty and I need to recharge. I have matters of creativity that are tied to my livelihood that need attention. I think it's nigh time to give them a bit of attention without distraction. Now game night is not going away. No no no! I think a restructuring for a bit might be just what the doctor ordered. I'm thinking of a "creative night" with side games for fun. I guess i'll bring it up tonight and see what happens.

Atmosphere

2009-02-18T08:54:00.002-05:00

Incredible the feeling you get when you are both guilty and elated. What is that? I have no idea! I once knew a guy who smoked his own hair. To this day that is set as my bench mark for desperation. I made a prediction this new year that this was going to be the year of trials and tribulation. So far that has proved to be true. Most have been self imposed but that is kind of the point. I now have two massive trials ahead of me. Both have rewards of immeasurable value that I want madly. The first is to finish a comic project to present as a portfolio at Wizard World in Chicago in August. This is the biggie. The life affirming goal. Oh, never ever ever use Mountain Dew to sweeten or flavor coffee. The second trial is related to Halloween! My most favorite time of the year. This Halloween I have chosen to be Han Solo. It is common knowledge that Han wasn't a huge fat piece of shit. Thus my second test of determination. I have eight months to lose a massive amount of weight. I believe is is doable. The primary goal is to lose at least 10 inches from my waist. I have already lost 16 lbs. since doing the program i signed up for at the YMCA. Once my Doctor clears me for more strenuous activity I'm sure I can increase that average by at least 2-3 lbs. per week. Even at and average of 3 lbs. a week that equates to about 96 lbs!!!! I can do this!

Incubation

2009-02-17T08:19:00.002-05:00

Let's put all maladies, all psychosis, and disorders aside. Everyone has them and they are nothing special. Okay, now we are on to the meat. My project is coming along well. A little slow but that's fine by me. As with any good idea it needs time to mature, evolve, and even solidify. I find it amusing that in my fretting over the quality of my work I never once questioned the quality of the writing. It got me to thinking "am i as good a writer as I think I am?" Well I've never worried about it before and I am not about to start now. To clarify I don't see my self as a writer, more a storyteller. Not exactly sure of the true distinction but I am certain there is one. I know there is because I can feel it.

Disorder

2009-02-16T07:35:00.002-05:00

I find it hard to conceive that I ever had a problem outside of the way I feel each day. To clarify, I mean to say, that I have feelings and sensations that drive certain aspects of myself. These can be thematic and last the day or situational and change form moment to moment. Since being on medication it is almost as if I am trapped in this dull constant, no highs, no lows. It's as if I can feel my feelings and emotions just below the surface screaming to get out. I feel like I have more of a psychosis than I did before I sought therapy. I am always being told that I am making progress but I am not sure what that progress is? To what end? is there an end? I truly believe that I am in a control program that is meant to be everlasting. That without the therapy and drugs I will cease to be able to function. is this paranoia? is this an undiagnosed condition? is this the purpose of it all? When do I start listening to my gut and stop listening to my head?

Digital

2009-02-14T11:36:00.002-05:00

I've narrowed down my choice of comic projects to two. One is a sprawling epic with all kinds of elements in it. In fact it is the fantastic retelling of my youth. The other is a tale of romance and tragedy with a backdrop of of war. Obviously the last is much smaller in scope so it is in the leading as the one to win. The challenge of the smaller story isn't so much in the writing but in the art. It needs to be sadly beautiful as well as dismally horrific. There is no flashy elements to the story at all and thus needs to draw the reader in with aesthetic and ornate qualities. The potential for inducing true madness with this project for me is around 100%. But with that it could be my most defining project. I'd like to bring my friend Chad in on this project as a colorist. I think he is an amazing artist and I think this would really be a winning collaboration. Okay I think I have decided here in writing this post. I know what I will be doing. Wish me luck.

These Days

2009-02-13T09:02:00.002-05:00

I believe I have had the most productive interaction with my Shrink ever. This weeks session was not a meandering attempt to find a point. Aside from being physically exhausted (it was game night last night) I am in an extremely positive mind frame. My earlier frustrations are still there but certain elements of the turmoil have had a new light shone on them. With my troublesome choices I've had to make the conclusion seems clearer now. In fact I believe I have made up my mind. I am striking out solo! Going to try to make it as an independent creator and hope for the best. Worst case is I fail but that isn't the end of it as the field I am in has numerous outlets and opportunities. I plan on exploring all my options before giving up. This is supposed to be fun! If it wasn't I wouldn't want to do it! So i guess all that is left is to start having fun!

When Routine Bites Hard

2009-02-11T08:32:00.002-05:00

To eek, to squeeze, to sneak out a modicum of creativity is seemingly and insurmountable task. I find the drudgery of daily life draining, not just physically but mentally. By nature I am not the type of person who thrives in "family life". I have however managed to adapt and find a functional medium. That medium, that focus is love. I do what I do out of love. But because of that I rarely seem to get to do what I love. As a result I am filled with guilt. It comes from both ends. If I do what I love then I neglect who I love and vice-versa. I can't find a happy medium. My creativity doesn't lend itself to structure. It is vital that I find some way to make it work or I fear I may never. I can not let another year go by with out doing something. It's now or never.

Twenty Four Hours

2009-02-10T08:15:00.002-05:00

I once held the dream of becoming the youngest artist to ever hit the comics scene. While sitting here at nearly 33 years old that dream is long since past. That leaves me with but one last comic related dream. That is to actually become something in the industry. Now my ideal is to be come a renowned storyteller in the industry. I haven't given up on art, not a chance, but the days of the rock star like fame artists in the comics industry once enjoyed has now passed. A more lasting recognition has,and will likely continue to be with the writers. I have always fancied myself a story teller and I would like to think that I am at least good at it. What matters most though is that I love doing it. This year I will be making my first real attempt to break into the industry. The only thing is I am not sure how I want to do it yet.

Dead Souls

2009-02-06T09:59:00.003-05:00

Forgive my eventual lack of coherence. I have had no sleep. I made the mistake of trying a product called "5 Hour Energy". Pft! More like "5 minute quick buzz then a bout of jitters then your mind goes racing at a mile a minute until you finally pass out 8 hours later." I literally passed out moments before Amy had to wake me for the day. It reminded me of my old party days only there was no hang over and my mouth didn't taste like an old shoe. That and the persone I went ot bed with was the same one I woke up with. I didn't say it was like my old party days it just reminded me of them :) A party for me these days is a couple beers, some friends, and BSin' for a few hours. Honestly thats is just fine with me. I don't think I could survive anything more these days. I can't rememebr the last time I was actually drunk. Considering the consequences that too is just fine with me.

Shadowplay

2009-02-05T08:56:00.002-05:00

It's hard to be optimistic. It's depressing to be pessimistic. So what is left? Be a realist. Take the emotion, hope, and bias out of a situation and you a most likely to get a clearer picture of the results. Realists are often mistaken for pessimists. This is simply because a realist will tell it like it is. When the situation isn't conducive to a favorable outcome folks usually don't want to know it. A realist wont mince words and thus the label of pessimist will be applied. I am a realist about 80% of the time, an optimist 10% of the time, the last 10% is where I just don't give a shit. I am never a pessimist, never. Though I would bet folks would disagree. But that falls within that last 10%. People will think what they want. I am not out to change anyone's mind but if I can provoke thought then I have accomplished my goal. Thoughtful speaking and action is almost non-existent and that terrifies me. Too often I see people opening their gobs for reaction rather than information or basic communication. Ten seconds of television will confirm that. I too am guilty of speaking for reaction but the difference is that I am aware of it. I do it for entertainment. And that is where it should stay.

Transmission

2009-02-04T08:17:00.002-05:00

it always seems that when I start working on improving my health I get sick. That frustrates the hell out of me. However, this time, I'm gonna bull through it and kick some ass! With the marginal success I have had with losing weight and attempting to get in shape I have found a certain level of strength. This has helped strengthened my determination. Sick or not I am not gonna puss out. I expect it to be difficult.

Heart and Soul

2009-02-03T08:16:00.002-05:00

It has been said that to be or get good at something you should do it everyday. I have never tried this. I always seem to be fixated with my abilities in the here and now and my opinion of my talents are based on the last foray. I am not sure if this is a good or bad thing. Considering how often I draw and my general attitude towards my talents I would say it is a bad thing. I should draw and write everyday. What prevents me from doing that is both obvious and a complete mystery. That which is obvious is understandable, it is my family. My children to be more precise. They require a bit of attention and moreover they require a lot of energy. I have a certain preoccupation with devoting enough time and energy to my children that may explain why I am lacking in my personal aspirations. This preoccupation comes from my own childhood experiences with my parents. They were both either absent and/or disinterested or unsupportive of my dreams and goals. I want this to be different with my own children. I'd like to believe I have done better by my children in that respect. However, I do not wish to continue to stifle my potential for the sake of others good or bad. I must find a balance to accomplish this or, as I suspect, set boundaries for my self and my family for my own creative time.

Walking on Air

2009-02-02T09:09:00.003-05:00

I have been on a Joy Division kick now for a couple weeks. Not sure why but right now it is, I don't know, speaking to me I guess. I must be driving my family nuts listening to the same 14 tracks over and over again. Life for me right now is kind of weird. I do not know how to explain it. I feel temporally displaced. My body and my mind seem to exist in two separate times. No I'm not on drugs, well okay, yes I am but nothing illegal. I am just.....yeah.

Day In Day Out Day In Day Out Day In Day Out

2009-02-01T12:04:00.002-05:00

Not sure what it all means. I'm not sure I care to try to figure it out anymore. I guess there comes a time when the young rebel becomes the aged malcontent. I think my time is nigh. I look at the age spectrum of my friends and I start to see a chasm rather than a bridge. Thus the manifestation of the "age gap". I hear the problems of my younger friends and I think to myself how, in the scope of things, some of their problems are so unimportant. I also see how they have so much more to experience. How little they know of real life. It's all perspective really but to me they seem so young and to be honest they are. In my nature it is hard not to play the big brother or even the dad. Most do not want that from someone they consider a friend and I try to respect that but sometimes it is hard not to. Especially when you genuinely care. Life is a process not a state of being. I recently read a line in a comic book that basically said "there is no after life there is just life" chew on that one a bit.

Here I Come Back From the Dead

2009-01-18T21:26:00.002-05:00

Well sorta. I am neither dead or alive but a nice undead balance.
I have committed to something that I am terrified that I may fuck up. My situation is a hard one and the hurdles I have to overcome are not insurmountable but they are going to be damn difficult. There is only so much support I can accept since no amount of support can overcome my personal doubts. But it all just boils down to the fact that I am scared. I want a change in my life so bad it hurts and I have to deal with enough pain in my life right now as it is. Physical pain permeates most of my waking hours and often interrupts my sleeping ones. This commitment I have accepted is going to add shit loads of pain to my life. Good pain, well as good as pain can be, that will hopefully bring about much needed change.

Under the Table and Screaming

2008-07-15T00:32:00.002-04:00

I dangle. Somewhere between oblivion and eternity I feel the wandering sensation of touch. Unexplainable infinity grasps my hollow mind and fills it with terrible wonder and horror. This is the existence of stasis. Long has it been my prison, longer my enemy. Idleness in fear of change make up the prison bars. Vanity keeps the door locked and motivation, ever the absent warden, holds the key. Within the dark core lost far beyond my heart and out of reach of my soul is the answer. The ever winding riddle that torments my eyes and mouth with trivia dances free out of reach of this lost plateau. There rests the power of all the universe, the very heart of creation. The journey begins. Backward. Inward. Alone.

Nope, Guess Again!

2007-05-21T09:40:00.000-04:00

Were this the only place in the world to find me, I would have appeared to have been missing. Perhaps lost on a remote deserted island or trapped deep in the basement of a serial killer. Fortunately neither was the case. I've been preoccupied with life, which I believe is a good thing. Life, as it were, is up in the air as we struggle with the idea of starting over again. Normally at this stage of the game this is an extremely unattractive prospect. In this instance I would still agree with that sentiment but it would on be on a basis of generalities. The truth is in the details and the potentiality far out weighs the simplistic ideology of anachronism. To be plain: I would prefer it to be possible to wave a magic wand and spare me the labor. In all things regarding this I know I am not alone, both in the desire and in the guaranteed disappointment in the fact that it is an impossibility. Despite any anxieties the future holds a plethora of potential reason for excitement. I keep those in mind as I simultaneously dread the possibility that any of it will come to pass. Why the strange duality you ask? I'm not sure. But one thing is certain and that is that there is a unique saneness to maintaining both a positive and negative frame of mind. One might claim that to be madness. In that case I must thrive on madness as it is the only means I've found to accommodate situations I deem stressful.

Gone Fishin'

2007-04-07T22:42:00.000-04:00

If posed the question "if you had to do it all over again, would you?" I would reply "Fuck no!" Do you realize how much shit you'd have to do......again! Seriously. For an example take the last 20 years of your life and boil it down to the all the good to great moments you had. Ok, that done, what are you left with? 19 years of banality and suck. If that even for some people. But what is really funny is that when asked that question and to give the response that I would, the asker of the question would not even comprehend the reason without detailed explanation. And without any explanation offered the asker would make assumptions that were completely baseless. This is a bit more than a re-illustration of the fact that people say some really stupid shit. It is an illustration of how language is only marginally effective at best. To convey an idea to the best of your ability using only words will never do the idea justice. Never. In many way I feel that language, or moreover using words, is a step backwards in the evolution of communication. Early man had the right idea of using images. Perfect language, in my opinion, is a blending of image and word. Not in the sense of having an image of an apple with the word apple with it that would be redundant. But having thought and emotion evoking images with clear and expressive scenario or verse with it. Granted this can be found in things today but in it's too few and far between.
I recently watched an anime series titled R.O.D. (which stands for Read or Die). In this series the evil organization at one point is attempting to create the perfect language and with it create the perfect story. Ultimately this fails due to the language being dull and life less. When made universal the concept of language it lost all if it's flavor and nuances that make languages interesting. I found this to be a most profound and ironic idea. Being as how a perfect language would fail because it was boring and lifeless but on the other hand an individual language would be more compelling and lively but still be so ineffective for conveying whole ideas. In essence they would be both the same, an imperfect language is a perfect language despite it's shortcomings. It's paradoxical.

Mute Witness

2007-03-29T10:23:00.000-04:00

Wow! It has been some time since my last update. However you haven't missed much. Aside form the everyday BS that permeates everyones lives not too much has happened that is significantly noteworthy. Not that I'm saying nothing happened it's just that I don't feel compelled to write about it. I would think that those who take the time to read this would rather read something interesting rather than mundane and pointless. I will admit to rambling but that usually occurs when I'm on a roll with the subject I am writing about. Also I don't want to repeat myself, which I've been know to do. For example I could have gone on a rant about St. Patrick's Day.....again but what would that accomplish. I was hard to to do it though with all the uninformed who wished me a "happy st. patrick's day". My daughter was one of them and let me tell ya that was really hard. Try explaining genocide and culturcide to a six year old. For those out there who still insist on celebrating this disgusting "holiday" let me remind or inform you that it isn't a holiday celebrating being Irish, it's a holiday celebrating being a catholic. Most forget or don't even know that. I was surprised by all the shocked reactions I got when I informed them of this. No one doubted me or even questioned it, as well they shouldn't have. Though there were a few who took the "snakes" metaphor in the popular legend literally.
DAMMIT!! I went and did it anyway! I ranted about that blasted holiday! Well, maybe I can make it an annual thing......kidding! I hope never to have to speak/write of it again.
In other news.....I'm hard at work on my first animated feature. Feature is bit of an over statement really since I'm really only planning a 10 minute segment to start. I've enlisted the aid of a good buddy of mine who is experienced in the art of computer animation. Honestly I'm not sure if he's taken me seriously but when I asked to see his demo reel I may have made the impression that I'm serious. I'd love to work with him. he's an amazing artist and a really great guy. I'd link his work but I don't think it's online. Anyway be on the lookout for more updates on that.
Last but certainly not least is a shout out to my bro Josh! Happy Birthday!! That crusty fucker is now 30!!!!!!! I feel shitty since he called me on his birthday but I was out of town and I haven't called him back. So if you read this before I talk to you again bro....Lots of love and I hope your B-Day was a blast! And I'll talk to you later and I'll see you after that!

Death, Fate, And Illusion

2007-01-25T09:49:00.000-05:00

Empowered like never before I feel like a god. I don't know where it is coming from, it's just there. Honestly that's all I need to know. I really couldn't care less about it's origin.
Coming up soon is the proposed wedding of one of my dearest friends in all the world. A man I have come to regard as a brother over the multitude of lives we have shared. This impending marriage has got me nervous. No, I haven't any misgivings about the bride he has chosen anything like that, It's the mere fact of it and my desire to be present for it. He has asked me to be his best man and that is an honor I accepted with great humility and respect. He was, in fact, my best man at my wedding and to have the honor reciprocated is touching to say the least. Because of this and even despite this I must attend his wedding. There is no question in my mind as to this requirement. The fact of it's implementation is what is in question. I will not fly. Period, end of story. So that leaves the option of a road trip. I like road trips and it has been too long since I've been on one of any great distance. Granted the date he picked for the wedding could have been better but it's his day and it is in no way my right to complain. I know how stressful a wedding can be and I'm not about to be cause for any. My desire is for this to be as perfect a day for him and his bride to be as it can be. On top of any nervousness there is definitely a great level of excitement. I am very much looking forward to the trip.

I'm Never Wrong, Just Sometimes Less Right

2007-01-17T08:57:00.000-05:00

I'm still inclined to think that psychiatry and all it's facets are less a science and more of an art. People as a whole are, for the most part, predictable but an individual is not. One might wonder how that could be since isn't "people" just a collection of individuals? The short answer is yes. However, the complete answer is not so cut and dry. This harkens back to my post where I discuss the idea of mob mentality. Culture and society is really nothing more that the product of mob mentality. That which is easily accepted by the majority and is acted upon by general consensus without forethought. Despite this a person in the river of popular opinion isn't affected by it's sway on a personal level. Meaning that the inner forces and desires and even their pasts remain separate from that which is happing in their society. It is the foundation of our personalities at one step up from the basest level of being. As best as I can discern psychiatry is an intuitive parlor trick that makes someone manifest their subconscious to examine it. Things that are overlooked by the common individual. Therapists, as it seems, are little more than a finger pointing to things you already know but may not be looking at right or simply things you have overlooked. I'm not belittling the practice at all, in fact, I am impressed by it's deceptive simplicity in application. I hate to admit it but it seems to be helping me to a certain degree. I'm still apprehensive to those "doctors" in this field that throw drugs at problems. I'm lucky in that my therapist has yet to even mention drugs in any capacity. I say, if any doctor says you have any condition and that there is a drug for it, you should be immediately suspicious of this persons motives.

Mummification: Pros and Cons

2007-01-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

I've developed one of the most severe cases of insomnia I've had in a long long while. I have been getting about 3-4 hours of sleep a night since last Thursday. I don't know why. On a positive note, with this sleeplessness, I've been experiencing unpescedented fits of creativity. These seem to manifest highly when I should be sleeping. Talk about a double edged sword. In a lot of ways I hope I can hang on to this artistic vigor I seem to have. I just don't know if I can survive it the way it's going.

Becareful What You Wish For

2006-12-19T08:38:00.000-05:00

Last post I was muttering some nonsense about how my mind works, this post will not be different. The other night was one of those rare ocasions where both my wife and I are lying in bed and neither of us can seem to fall asleep. The set up is always the same: She says "are you asleep?" and I say "no". At this point one of two things happen- sex or strange conversation, either is fine honestly with the former being perfered. That night however conversation won out. As a result I did something I don't think I've ever done before. When my wife asked "What are you thining about?" I didn't reply with my usual "oh, nothing". This time I let fly with what I was actually thinking. At that moment I happened to thinking through senario where in my wife was attempting to place weather stripping on the outside of our second story bedroom window. To do this she would be sitting on the windowsil with her body on the outside and her feet being held in place for balance by me inside. In this thinking I was trying to figure out how it would be best to help my wife back in after she had completed the task. Each method I worked through ended in disaster until I came to the conclusion that sitting that way in a window, for any reason, should not be done. Ever. After recounting this to her in detail she just layed there in the dark quietly. I could feel her staring at me, most likely with a baffled look on her face, to which I replyed "you asked!"
I explained that in that little tidbit of thought she got a glimpse of what kinds of things go through my mind constantly day after day. I can't help it. She may never ask me again what I'm thingking for fear that I may actually answer.

If It's Good for the Goose, I Probably Shouldn't Eat It

2006-12-09T20:55:00.000-05:00

Let's assume for a moment that the phrase "only the good die young" is even slightly true. Wouldn't that give little incentive for anyone who even remotely considered themselves young to actually be good? What about "Nice guys finish last"? Where is my motivation to be nice here?
People say some of the stupidest shit and think it's profound. Take me for example, I think a lot of what I say and write is pretty fuckin' intelligent. But I can garauntee you that there is at least one person out there who would read this and say "this guy is a complete moron!" To that I can only say "Fuck 'im!" It doesn't matter! People will continue to be complete and utter imbeciles until this rather pitiful spieces is long gone. A person is smart but people are dumb and strangely enough when you get more than one around another they tend to get dumber and make incredibly stupid decsions. It's as if people's IQs combine when in groups and then it is divided by the total number in the group and then the intellect is redistributed at the new average across the board. I believe this is called "mob" or "group" mentality. I call it fuckin' stupid. The "holiday season" is ripe with instances of that beautiful mob mentality at work. Just look at news footage of Black Friday shoppers. It tickles me shitless to see that, then I turn to Fox News or some other channel to see a bunch of self important assholes argue the finer points of pissing in to the wind. I find my self too often slipping in to a nihilistic pattern of thinking but sometimes I can't help it. Holy shit are we advanced!
I often fear that I'll never know complete happiness and that terrifies me. I would love to be truely ignorant of all that I know. I know a lot, too much in fact. There is a price in learning the arcane, the secret. Knowledge is indeed power but all power comes at a cost. One secret I've kept for a long time is that the real reason I did the copious amounts of drugs that I did was to try to forget. To reach back to a time when I didn't know and once agian be happy. There are fundamental flaws in the way my mind works and it needs to be fixed. One of the unique things about the therapist I'm seeing is that he is, I think, trying to help me turn off my mind. This is an interesting idea but I haven't put much stock in the idea just yet. It seems contradictory but I'm still very much in the learning process so I guess I'll give it more time. Another wasted post brought to you by the letters "Z" and "F" and the smell of rotting puppies.

A Letter to Elise.....I Mean Josh

2006-12-06T14:25:00.000-05:00

Recently you came across the post wherein I reveal that I am writing a novel based on the magical adventure we both were a part of. Knowing that we share a similar sentiment on that moment in our lives, as do the others, is the sole reason I'm converting it into a complete tale. When I mentioned that I had to do some editing in the form of removing references to copyrighted material or completely altering some base components you seemed to have misgivings. I understand this and do truely sympathize whole heartedly. I wish I didn't have to but I'm sure when you see how I changed it and how it fits into the tapestry of the backdrop I've added I think you will be bowled-over by the sheer scope I am giving it. The adventure we were in was an amazing character drama with compelling and believable players but you have to admit that it was very encapsulated. To someone looking at this, they might miss the magnitude of this tale having not been there for it when it was born. By building it's own world around it and giving it life and making the characters places in that world matter, it makes what happens to them even more tragic and moving. Ultimately it gives the reader a taste of what it is we feel when we remeber those few nights of wonder.

There is Strength in Numb Bears

2006-12-05T09:45:00.000-05:00

I notice that I sumble in my writing. This isn't apparent as I'm writing but as I'm reading it. I try to write in a rhythm that directs the readers attention that hits and falls where I want it to. For the most part I think I succeed very well but I find times, within a body of work, that there are glaring rhythmic stumblings going on. I can not account for this since I didn't realize I was doing it at the time. Even when reading I try to remember back to when I wrote it and see if there was anything that may have distracted me from my rhythm. I'm usually at a loss for explanation so I just edit and hope for the best. I suppose that's what editing and editors are for.

Duality of Being

2006-12-03T11:06:00.000-05:00

I am in such an amazingly good mood right now. I hope it lasts. Despite being plagued by nighmares almost nightly and having a near major melt down yesterday I feel absolutely wonderful today. Strangely that's how it goes. Ups, downs, and all-arounds make up the tapestry of a human life. It is the way I deal with those that determines the fabric of my tapestry, which is true with most everyone.
I have begun writing again. I am converting one of my most compelling roleplaying experiences in to a novel. A true tragedy that should bring tears to the eyes of the reader. Most of the things in the story that involves the five main characters is taken directly from the actual game. I can't quite express the weight of the experience by describing it as a game session. But by boiling it down to the raw story and emotion that fueled this expereiment in gaming I hope to birth a story of such magnitude as to do it some justice. I call it an experiment in gaming because that is what it was. A three of my friends had gotten together and decided they were becoming disillusioned with the whole roleplaying experience. It had lost a lot of the mistique it had once had and they desperately wanted to feel that again. I wasn't party to this idea in fact I wasn't brought into the fold until a few sessions had past. It was the result of loose lips that brought the game to my attention. One of the three involved felt that I, being one of the foremost in the group of friends and a gamer of the higest calibur, should be informed of this event. The other two, when they found out, were a bit apprehensive but then realized that without me the game might not realize the potential it could have. The gave me the green light but made it clear that this was serious shit and that if my character didn't impress on both utility and creativity I was out. So I put together a character that not may would have the acumen to play. In fact the group , despite being impressed, had reservations whether I could pull it off. Now in most situations a roleplay session consists of a bunch of table talk, a loose adherance to character, and numerous distraction but remeber when I said this was an expereiment? I wasn't kidding. The game set up was in the bedroom of my buddy Chris who's house was for the most part empty on a regular basis so there was no real chance of being interupted. But they went a step further. The two windows in the room was covered with numerous blankets and towels as to keep out all indication of the outside world. All clocks and watches and phones were removed, unplugged or turned off. Then we each set up our own little area of the room with everything we would need to be comfortable for a long period of time. The door to the room was the switch once the door was shut you were to be in character from that point on and there was to be no leaving ( except of course for bathroom breaks). You were to address everyone by their charcter name and any slip could mean your ejection from the game. We all maintained character flawlessly and I portrayed my character with such abilty that I impressed everyone. I played an orphaned elf boy roughly the age of 5 or 6, with dreams of becoming the greatest druid of all time. The rest of the people even started talking to me like was a child and each went out of their way to protect me when things got out of hand. To facilitate the illusion I covered my body in blankets as to basically obscure my size and I abopted a voice and demeanor to fit in line with someone that age. Everyone had their own devices to bring their character to life and it was brilliant. The hero was a young knight, headstrong, noble, chivalrous, and sometimes brooding. His second was a dwarf, gruff, aloof, curageous, and at times vulgar. The focus was the Preistess, a shapshifter who had to keep that fact a secret lest she lose her life and her love (the knight). And last was the party's weak link, the flaw in the party that stirs up the drama, a mage who distrusts everyone and is out for themself. An amazing, just amazing cast who perpatrated an equally amazing story. All who were involved to this day say that that experience has never been equalled. I personally have had awsome sessions since but none come close to those few days that changed gaming for me forever.

Survival Guide

2006-11-28T14:53:00.000-05:00

If a man dies in the woods and you weren't the one to kill him, does he still die? It's debatable but I'm not the one to do it.
People are dishonest or, at best, only partially honest and that only counts for what they don't say. Maybe I muddling this up. What I mean to say is that no one else can get a true sense of who you are or what you do unless you explicitly say it. So much of others people's perceptions of you are based solely on the face you choose to present. Unless your day to day life is public knowledge once you leave someone's sight you effectivley cease to exist until they see you again. At which point you play the catch up game by exchanging pleasantries more than facts and then continue on what ever course your lives will parallel for a duration. It all goes back to what I was saying about precieved versus actual. In this case though the coming to light of the actual can be foundation shaking. Imagine if you will you had a friend that, despite being a bit quirky, was very funny and extremely fun to be around. The stroies they told you of their day to day life, all the mondane shit, built a background for this person in your mind and gave you a sense, albeit false, of knowing them. Then you find out after sometime that this person, in the midst of everything, was molested, ritually beaten, attempted suicide, and living homless and you hadn't been the wiser. It would kind of mess with your sense of perception. It might even provoke pangs of guilt and this would be expected if you truely did care for this person. That is only natural but it isn't necessary and you are in fact not at fault for anything. It is similar to the guilt felt by survivors of people who commit suicide. I'm glad I didn't suceed on that route.
Lets adjust the lense further and look at this from an even more abstract angle. Imagine you are the person who is hiding all these terrible secrets. You have done all you can to keep anyone from knowing your pain and your shame that you have even hidden it from yourself. The years of denying anything was wrong has sunk in so far you beleive it. Imagine living the lie so long that it is now the truth, but then something happens and stark memories come flooding back in. You try to deny it but it's too late. You know it's all true. It hurts all over again as if the wounds were just inflicted. You try to cope, you try to rationalize but it adds up to nothing. You feel like nothing. The dark spectre of suicide looms again. The life you have built for your self is in jeopardy, those around you are suffering because of what you repressed has come back to destroy you and you take it out on them. Seems hopeless doesn't? It's where I am right now. I am learning you have to deal with your problems head on as the come up other wise they will kill you. No joke, I'm not out of the woods yet folks. Don't let my sporatic moments of clarity fool you. More over, I can't let these moments fool me.

Before the Last

2006-11-26T11:57:00.000-05:00

Admitting faults or flaws of ones person is hard. For some it is damn near impossible. I fall somewhere inbetween. Granted I readily admit my shortcomings here online but that is significantly different than doing it face-to-face with someone. As I do it here all I have to look at is a computer screen. It's safe and private and there is no immeadiate response, infact there is no guarantee of a response or reaction at all and that gives a sense of safeness. Even those who do read I have no real fear of consequence or accountability to them in as such that I do not feel a need to be guarded. That leaves me to question if I am really airing my problems or just fooling my self into thinking I have. It is true over the last few years I have overcome some obsticles from my past that were creating stumbling blocks for my future. Some have even been big ones but as I whittle down these thorns I am left with a clear view of the scars that lie beneath. Old scars that in some cases have never really healed. As it comes to these deep rooted pains I find myself at a loss to effectiviely deal with them. I have no "action plan" made out for me based solely the root cause of these ills. In a lot of ways, as I see it, an emotional scar is unhealable by the remorse of the one who inflicted it. This is true in my case because I really don't give a shit if my mother is sorry for what she did or didn't do when I was young and needed her the most. I hope she is and is suffering for it but that doesn't heal the hurt of what happened then. When the echo of the wrong doing reverberates through the years so much so that it hinders my life some 15-20 years later a simple "I'm sorry" isn't going to cut it. That is scarry because I have no idea what will. I do not know where to go and what I need all I can do is hate. All I can do feel the rage. I want to destroy and hurt and punish. So far I've done all this to myself and it makes me hate and rage and hurt more. To let it out means to hurt those who are the most important people in the world to you but the alternative is to keep it inside and literally kill your self. That is a dangerous impasse. You can see my dilema and why I am in need of some sort of help.

Cold War

2006-11-25T01:03:00.000-05:00

This past week I had my first ever therapy session. I guess that's what it was anyway. Having been so completely dead set against the practice for so long I never really had a basis for what actually takes place in one of these meetings. I wasn't overly impressed but I was compelled, however, to ride it to the end. It was an experience and I'll let this continue until one of three things happen. 1) I finally say "fuck it" and decide once and for all that psychiatry is indeed nothing but guess work with the power to fill perscriptions, 2) I am some how cured/healed/enlightened and I overcome my problems, or 3) The doctor says he no longer wishes to see me. Regardless of the outcome I will at least have some sort of closure or realization that in some small way I was right. I like being right, it gives me a feeling of accomplishment. It means that all my presumed intellect and experience has actually paid off in some small seemingly significant way. At this point I'm really most concerned with possibilitly nuber 2. I want this shit to go away. To work itself out or find some useful way to channel this self destructive dance into a tool for creation, that's my desire. I hate to admit it but I feel like this is my last resort. I could lose everything if I cannot overcome these demons, this depression, this self loathing. I have way too much to live for but sometimes I forget that and when that happens I get really scared. I experience a terror no one should ever have to face and maybe I'll never have to again.........

Put a Cap ON Your Ass

2006-11-14T09:37:00.000-05:00

I am terrifed of success. I have no fucking clue why! but that's not my most pressing malady, you see, I have also contracted a unique case of agoraphobia. But where my case differs from the traditional psycosis is that the fear is not what situation or things will happen to me but rather what will happen to other people because of me. Usually it stemms from how pissed off I get as a result of the actions of idiots and complete assholes. The idea that smashing these poeples faces in is wrong seems to get really fuzzy. My wife has gotten really good at telling when that line has begun to blur and it is usually then that she suggests that I go relax in the car. Sometimes this will bring me back a bit and I force my composure but other times I take the advice and go chill. In my attempts keep this undercontrol I tend to get really aprehensive and edgy and I ahve been know to lash out at my own family, verbally only mind you. I could never raise my fist in anger towards those I love and feel a responsiblity to protect, The idea is so paradoxical to my mind that even when I was beaten by my mother as a child I never struck back (until that fateful day as a teenager where she ceased being my mother in my eyes but that's another post for another day). The real fear stemms from not knowing what control I actually have over this and the potential to lose control and actually attack someone. If I do lose it might I attack a friend or family memeber? I couldn't live with that. SO that is why I have truely consented to see a profesional. My attitude towards psychiatry has not changed but my cpacity to deal with my own demons may have and I don't see an alternative. Besides, shrinks have the power to perscribe some good shit......just kidding, no really. I am distrusting of goverment regulated psychtropics and "mood enhancers" my personal hell is not so much as to drive to wanting those....not yet anyway. Considering Prozac and Zoloft were both drugs that indirectly alomst killed me on two seperate occasions(again a subject for another post), I'm not too eager to give them a shot myself.

Gone Daddy Gone

2006-11-07T11:49:00.000-05:00

Last night I was dutifully keeping my wife awake with pointless banter when both of us should have been sleeping. The topic of this rambling was random but I eventually landed on the subject of artists. As I see it there are 3 types of artists in existance. The first is the Talented: Those individuals who were gifted at birth with the abilty to paint, write, draw, etc. but haven't the sould to produce anything of artistic value with out direction. These folk are tailor made to be an inhouse artist, stock columnist, graphic designer, or the like. Next we have the True Artist: These are the stereotypical tempermental, eccentric, lusty, brooding, selfish, impulsive people that have been popularly depicted as artist in television and film since the 50s. Competent or shitty they create for the sake of creating to fill some personal need to. The usually don't ammount to anything as a financial success but may find a following at some point after death. Lastly we have the Talented True Artist: These rare individuals have the power to create a work that is not only significant and universal but is the result of a personal passion and a need to fulfill an overpowering desire to create. This type of artist can display many of the personality traits as a True Artist and can in this way become camoflaged with their lesser cousins but it's the produced work that sets them apart from the others. Those of you reading this who know me as a self proclaimed "artist" mist ask what category do I see myself in? In anticipation of this question I have left the last and secret 4th category of artist until now. This secret fourth sect is the incideous Poseur caste: This is my home. The hacks, wannabes, and talentless losers who don't get the fact that they are less than mediocre and foolishly trudge on from one failure to the next. Maybe I'm being hard on myself but I don't feel I belong in any other category. I doubt and question my abilities and I have forgotten why I do it in the first place.

Faiths and Avatars

2006-10-03T21:54:00.000-04:00

Today, October 3rd, is my grandfathers birthday. Well, I guess it would be proper to say it was his birthday. He died about fifteen years ago. This day was always a day of great anticipation for me growing up. Though it was his birthday it had everything I would have wanted for my own. Cake, ice cream, and comics we staples of both our birthdays and christmases. From my early childhood until his death our birthdays were days that seemed made just for me to spend time with him doing what we both loved to do. I know this is just the selfish perspective of a child but really that's all that mattered. The reality of it is unimportant to the perception of it as I have earlier stated. He was the only father figure I ever had. Much of who I am today was shaped by the times we shared. Hell I even named my son after him. Now October 3rd is a day of reflection and introspection and also a little sadness. I look into the faces of my own children and wonder and hope. Will I have it in me to be a father or more over, a good father? I have no reference and it pisses me off. It makes me hate my actuall father all the more. It makes me hate my mother even more. It makes me rage at fate, god, or whatever for fucking me outta what I see people all around me having......a family. It tears me up inside everytime my daughter gets all excited to see her only grandpa, my wifes father. I love the guy, he's a good man and she is lucky to have him as her grandfather. But what kills me is that I have no roots to offer my own children apart from a small collection of stories. They will never get to experience any of the good from my past as they will my wifes. It is gone along with those who made it so. What exists now is so far degraded that the few who remain are people I don't even know and by all accounts people I don't want to know. My absence is mutually beneficial.

Edited

2006-09-20T10:12:00.000-04:00

For years now I have jokingly claimed that I wasn't human. Indicating that being human was an undesirable trait. I have since come to change my thinking on this. By saying that I'm not human to avoid being classified under that which I find destestable in the connotation shows that I have given credence to the idiots who have sullied the idea of being human. No more will I do this. From now on I will proudly attest to my humanness and denounce humanness in others. Seems only right to me to strip those who are unworthy of this level of being rather than let them have it to destroy. Now from my saying "I don't know what I am but it sure isn't human" I will now say something like "I don't know what YOU are but it sure isn't human!"

Looking Through the Glass

2006-09-19T09:54:00.000-04:00

I'm not sure if anyone has noticed but at a certain point my posts began being frought with mis-spellings. There is a reason for this, maybe two reasons. The first is that I've stopped using spell check. The reason why is that as I was running the check I would reread portions of what I'd written and would sometimes decide that what I had writte was not up to whatever standards I had decided to impose upon myself at that moment and I'd delete the entire post. That began to bother me because my initial intention was that this blog was for me to put down whatever I felt like writing. No matter how insulting, ignorant, lame, or controversial I would write it down and let it go at that. So now there is no spell checking and no editing (aside form what I do as I type). The other reason, possibly, is that I am supposed to wear glasses. Though I've had them for a few years now I've yet to get used to them. So I only wear them sporadically. Even though I read as I type I sometimes miss things because I can't see them properly. The reason I do not wear my glasses is not because of some stigma about looking nerdy or anything like that. It is because I find it at times to be uncomfortable. I have this thing on my face and it's distracting. I've often found my self trying to look above or beneath my glasses while wearing them when looking through them would make what I was trying to look at clearer or even visible. I involuntarily treat them as an obsticle and I find that strange. My vision had been degraded for some time before I eventually got glasses the differnce was signifigant. I was pleased with how much clearer and defined everything was and as a person who relys on his vision for his profession you'd think I'd make it a point to have them on at all times. Right now they are not on my face and I know that I should put them on. My wife has even put a note on my computer monitor that reads "Are you wearing you glasses?" It helps but I still forget and later in the day I'll be complaining of a headache and my wife will ask "Have you been wearing your glasses??"
There are times where I will have them on for days straight ( I do take them off to sleep) and I get used to them but then I'll forget for a day and then another and another then I will forget where I even put them. I'll go with out them and then I'll start complaining of headaches again and the cycle will begin anew. I need to develope a habit about wearing them. It's been 6 years I guess it's time to make a conscious effort. Fine, I'm going to get them now.

Voices Carry

2006-09-13T11:30:00.000-04:00

---10 Firsts---
First Best Friend: I have no idea, honestly!
First Screenname: Strider
First Pet's Name: Alli Gator (it was an alligator lizard)
First Piercing: Left ear (has long since closed up)
First Crush: Lynn Gilbert
First CD: The Cure - Never Enough CD Single
First School: Phelan Elementary
First House Location: Deer Haven, CA.
First Kiss: Lynn Gilbert
First Car: 1970 VW Super Beetle (I never drove it)

---9 Lasts---
Last Time You Smoked: October of 2002
Last Food You Ate: Tuna Salad
Last Car Ride: Drive home from Case and Eden's last weekend.
Last Movie You Watched: Serenity
Last Phone Call: My wife at work.
Last CD You Listened To: Green Day - American Idiot
Last Bubble Bath You Took: About a year ago.
Last Song You Listened To: Morrissey - Everyday is Like Sunday
Last Words You Said: "Bye"

---8 Have-You-Evers---
Dated A Best Friend: Nope
Been Arrested: Yep
Been On TV: Uh-huh
Eaten Sushi: Yes
Cheated On Your B/F or G/F: Yes
Been On A Blind Date: No
Been Out Of The Country: Yes
Been In Love: Yes

---7 things you're wearing right now---
1: Black Sweatpants
2: Green Tee Shirt
3: Stink
4: A thoughtful expression
5: A hole in my chair
6: Uhhhh.....
7: .....that'd be it.

---6 things you've done today---
1: Put my daughter on the school bus
2: Watched the Weather Channel
3: Ate Tuna Salad
4: Checked my email
5: Reconnected with a long lost friend
6: Took a Firefly quiz

---5 Favorite Things (not in any order)---
1: Imagination
2: The Smell of Lilacs
3: The sound of thunder and rain
4: Gaming
5: Hanging out with friends

---4 People You Most Trust (not in any order)---
1: Amy
2: Josh
3: Case
4: Whit

---3 Things You Want To Do Before You Die---
1: Live
2: Experience great success
3: Meet my grandchildren

---2 Choices---
Vanilla or Chocolate: Vanilla
Hugs or Kisses: Depends on who I'm getting what from.

---1 Person You Want To See Right Now---
1: Santa Clause. I think that would totally blow my mind.

Player's Handbook

2006-09-11T10:59:00.000-04:00

In recounting a tale I find that often facts, the absolute reality, of a situation are completely immaterial to the successful portraying of the emotional impact of the event. Even when looking back at my own life I seem to remember things how they felt or seemed. In all actuality the reality may be far different but that really means very little. What matters is the impression left upon my memory. Happy memories or emotional scars are both the same thing: a memory perceived rather than actually remembered. I find that in storytelling putting the story to emotion makes it more compelling or even entertaining. Rather than trying to tell someone how big the bear was by attempting give them rough dimensions or arbitrary numbers of measurement, I try to convey how the encounter felt or how I perceived (or misperceived) the event with all the exaggerations intact. So what if it was only a bear cub the size of a small dog, I was scared shitless and it looked huge at the time so that's the story that matters to me. Attempting to rationalize or reevaluate the story after the fact devalues the experience. I know the above example is sort of an extreme case but I use it only to illustrate a point. I do understand the importance of fact but I also understand when fact is important and when it's just a guideline.

Lacks Headroom

2006-08-10T10:43:00.000-04:00

Last time I was pondering the validity of learning solely from the written word. If that's not what you got from it then I do apologize but that was my intention. I find it strange that, in the 20th century, as new mediums for human interaction develope it is immeadiately disregarded as bad. I'll admit that as I get older my response to new things is usually guarded. Considering my history for me to be apprehensive to change or anything new should seem ludicrous but I guess it is just a built in device of aging. Things such as television, video games, and the internet have fallen under the scrutiny of the anacronismic throwbacks who are paralyzed by any notion of change. But as these are considered inferior forms of communication they don't recieve the kind of attention to allow them to be truly utilized to their fullest potential. Instead they are only brought to the attention of the many when one has been accused of an atrocity. Television is the culprit of directing popular opinion and that is unfortunate considering that it is forerunner of these other mediums that are getting a really bad rap. Television itself is still constasntly attacked and I think for good reason. You see back in it's early inception in to the world as a from of entertainment and communication it was largely harmless, nothing more than radio you could see. But then came the McCarthy crusade against communism where televsion's potental was realized. It became eveident that tv had the power to sway the masses in more ways than just what toothpaste to buy. This was the end of television as a novelty. Like anything with great potential it is usually aquired by the rich and powerful and then used largely to increase their wealth and power. You can see the downfall of television by taking a cross section of sitcoms from each decade since tv began. It is said that the change is the sign of the times but you have to think who has been showing the signs of the times? Life, more so now than ever, imitates art and sadly this "art" is only trying to sell you something. Tv pushes the notion that image is everything and in the end what is an image? A vision, a picture. Insubstantial light reflected off of an object's surface and television rarely ventures beyond the surface.

There Is Wisdom In A Billy Bass

2006-08-01T23:37:00.000-04:00

Experiencing new things is the hallmark of living the life that should. Don't you agree? I'm not entierly sure what I just said. It made sense at the moment I was writing it but now I'm just confused by it. I wonder how many things through out history were put to record only to have it's author lose the meaning of it shortly after? Probably more than I would be willing to accept considering that there are a great many in this world who base their lives around the words of another. How would it be to discover that your prophet, messiah, idol, hero, or mentor turned around and said "nah, I was just kidding" or how about "You know what? All that crap I wrote or said isn't really how I truely feel". Being faced with that I'm sure there are those who would just fall apart, having lost connection to a great individual. These people are followers, weak in spirit and lack self realization. They live only to be a part of something in order to feel whole. When that is gone they in essence lose themselves, which is ironic since they didn't have "themselves" to begin with they only made themselves a clone of who ever it is they have decided to emulate or follow. But on the other hand I'm sure we would find that some, when faced with this senario, would be unfazed. These individuals garnered enough of their own wisdom from what they read, rather than experiencing life vicariously through the writer's point of view, that they would not lose anything from the resulting actions or change in standpoint of the author of the text. They would simply move on and continue to live and gather more wisdom.
It is kind of scarry how much stock we have put into the written and spoken word. Just looking back at things I have wrote when I was 5 years younger, 10 years younger, 15 years younger they lack a lot of the wisdom and experience I have gathered in the meantime. Most of what I've written long ago no longer holds true in either my life or my views on various subjects. It would in no way give an accurate picture of who I am now and in many cases who I was then for that matter. It serves no purpose other than to evoke memories for me alone. I guess I would have to say that I am a true believer in the phrase "print is dead" for all thing except entertaiment. There are a host of new ways to experience things that once could only be read about. Many of these ways are more connatively effective than reading alone. I do not disregard reading or writing for that matter but if I want to learn something, reading is only the first and smallest step in the learning process.
I guess what I am trying to say is that the world would be abetter place if we were all smart and thought just like I did. HA! Just kidding. But seriously I think the world would be a better place if we took everything we read or heard with a grain of salt and discarded all the allegory, analized all the metaphor and sought out the applicability.

Gonads and Strife

2006-07-13T12:15:00.000-04:00

One thing that bothers me is when I have a dream about a person I know and the subject matter of the dream is such that it could have happened. Meaning that the dream is so real or mundane that upon waking I wonder if it was in fact a dream at all or just a repressed memory. I have had quite a few of these dreams through the years and on occasion I will recall something that I'm not sure if I dreamt it or it actually happened and after a few years the line becomes so blurred that really anything could be real. The funny thing is that the things I do remember quite well, that are honesly and truley actuall events, are some of the strangest stories I have to tell. One would think that due to the oddity of the events that took place that it would be a dream or even made up. Luckily I have the benefit of the accounts of others who were also party to these wonderous events to disprove the contrary.
I hvve had dreams that were so realistic and plausible that I often have to take a moment and figure out if it had actually happened. The worst is when I can't discenrn the truth, this usually happens when the dream relates to people and places from my past. Verification is in most cases impossible since those in the dream have been long dead or out of contact for many many years. Those dreams are probably the worst, fragmented memories of either my life or suprebly constucted fantasies, eitehr way it's kind of frustrating. Though to be honest I wouldn't give up my gift of having amazingly realistc dreams for anything. Some of my greatest story ideas have come form the dreams I've had.

Why Do I Do These Things?

2006-06-25T01:10:00.000-04:00

1) Ever been divorced?
Never.

2) Ever had an affair?
Yes, but not with my wife.

3) Ever been in an auto accident?
Yes, though only minor.

4) Ever had your house burglarized?
No.

5) Ever been fired from a job?
Yes, once.

6) Was college worth the expense and time?
Overall, no. Though I did get a few smatterings of useful information.

7) Do you know your I.Q.?
Yes, kind of.

8) What are you listening to right now?
The muffled voice of my daughter through the ceiling coming form upstairs in my son's room.

9) Did you marry your high school sweetheart?
No.

10) Ever committed a misdemeanor?
Yes.

11) Ever committed a felony?
Yes, however the statute of limitation has long since run up and evidence linking me to the act have long since vanished or was never in existance to begin with.

12) Ever been assaulted?
Yes, numerous times.

13) Why did you go to the Emergency Room last time?
My daughter had an extremely high fever.

14) Do you own a home or rent? Why?
Own. Equity.

15) Would you let your child join the military now?
Considering said "child" would have to be of legal conscenting age to enlist there is little I could do to prevent them form doing so. However, I would not approve of it.

16) What celebrities are on your 'fantasy list' for sex?
I have never had a "fantasy list" for sex with celebrities. Granted that there are some famous women out there, past and present, who I think are indeed sexy but sex has always be a spontaneous thing for me and to plan out by way of imagination or any type of forethought isn't my cup of tea.

17) Why are you at your current job?
Because I would die a slow agonizing death if I wasn't.

18) Biggest fear?
Dying unfulfilled.

19) Ever harmed anyone intentionally?
Yes.

20) Ever been arrested?
Once, kind of. I was 16 and I was handcuffed and hauled away in the police car to the station (for skateboarding) where they attempted to contact my mom but couldn't so I stayed there for 10 hours before they finally made me walk home. WTF?

21) Alcoholic beverage of choice?
Good beer.

22) Ever been kicked out/banned from bar?
No.

23) Ever driven drunk?
Yes, but I was like 14 or 15 and I wasn't the only one driving. Lemme 'splain, We needed to get more weed and beer but my friend who knew how/could (meaning legally allowed by way of licence and vehicle ownership) to drive was too wasted to do so. So another friend convinced him that he could drive if he'd let him use his car, this friend too was also smashed. So my friend, myself and two other friends pile into a VW bug and attempt to drive. It didn't go well, did I mention I too was blitzed out of my mind? Anyway we devised this ingenious plan to split the dutys of driving between my friend (the inital driver) and myself. He would operate the brake and the clutch as well as steer and I would operate the gas and the shifter. It actually worked and we made it to the corner store where we obtained what we were looking for and then managed to get ourselves back to where we were before. And for clarification the town I grew up in was tiny and at the time we did this no one was in any danger (except ourselves). Let me illustrate: The road we drove on was the towns busyest road and from the hours of about 11p.m. to 4a.m. you could literlaly take a nap in the middle of the road with little to no danger of being run over. Unless of course there was a car of drunk teenagers attempting to score more weed and beer that night.

24) Do your kids know about your 'wild days?'
Not yet and hopfully not until they are grown.

25) Ever been the victim of a violent crime?
Yes.

26) What was the last meal you had out without the kids?
"Without the kids"? what do these words mean? I find them foreign and frightening and even slightly arrousing.

27) Do you know your blood type?
Nope. Red maybe? Yep red, and warm so I'm not a reptile.

28) Any Tattoos?
Nope.

29) Any scars?
Many.

30) Ever beaten someone up?
Yep, when the need arose.

31) Do you obey the traffic laws?
98.6% of the time.

32) If you were President for a day, what would you do?
Hold the title of "President for a day". Really there is little I could do in a day as president considering all the policies and processes of getting anything done. All I could do is Sit in the oval office, crap in the prez's cammode and maybe bang an intern at most.

33) What was the dumbest thing you did as a teenager?
Refer to question 23. There are more but that'll do.

34) How will you discipline your kids when they do the same things you did in highschool?
I have no idea. If I did my job they wont do half the things I did in high school. They have been raised in a far differnt enviornment than was.

35) Ginger or Mary Ann?
Both, at once with maybe Mrs. Howell just for fun.

36) Best James Bond?
Hard to say. Each actor played him in their own way and in many cases they only real similarity was the name. I don't personally like James Bond movies but if I had to pick just one actor I would go with Roger Moore.

37) Punk or new wave?
Both to varying degrees.

38) The Shield or Rescue Me?
CSI

39) Current music favorite?
There's a lot of good stuff out there and my tastes are varried. But if I were to go with my latest overplayed song it would be "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley.

40) Letterman or Leno?
Who?

41) Are you a good cook?
I'd say.

42) Do you believe in God? Do you go to church?
I do not believe in any dieific figure that has be presented thus far. I refrain from attending any religeous function or centre with the inclusion of sprting events. The only exception is weddings and thats only if I know the couple getting married.

43) Will you bring your kids up in the church?
Absolutly not.

44) Last movie you watched?
Transylvania 6-5000

45) Last movie that made you laugh?
See above.

46) If you could get away with killing someone, would you?
My killing someone wouldn't have have any basis in wether or not I could get away with it. If I was brought to the point of killing someone it would be an aggrivated act of passion that I would find totally justifiable. The idea of getting away with would be an afterthought. Premeditation isn't my thing.

47) "In Vino Veritas" or "Loose Lips Sink Ships?"
Huh? This question makes no sense at all! Apparently the question writer didn't know what "en vino veritas" meant. Uncultured, unread, moron!

48) Have you ever been so scared you wet your pants?
Nope.

49) Overseas travel?
Not yet.

50) Are you prepared for retirement?
I hope to never retire.

Continents in Collision

2006-06-11T12:58:00.000-04:00

The other day I was the oddly unfortunate subject of time travel. You see I was surprised in the late evening by a telephone call from my long lost brother. Nearly seven years had passed since I had seen him much less heard his voice so this encounter was slightly surreal. His initial intent was to, I think, congratulate me on the bith of my son (consequently his nephew). However due the the gap in time since out last encounter a bit of the seemingly mandatory "catching-up" took place. In the process of this I learned that my brother was currently experiencing a mild inebriation mixed with a cold and possibly cold meds. Perhaps this prompted the call in the first place since I learned that he held a certain level of vendetta against me for events in the past both contrived and actual. To be clear for a moment and perhaps admit something I may never have before is that the only regret in escaping from Califonia back when I did was leaving behind my little brother. Not that I would have taken him with me but that I wouldn't be able to be a part of his life. Based on a comment my mother made to be just before I left the state in which she said that my sister and I "were a lost cause" and with my brother she had "the opportunity to raise him right". My fears and regrets where justified during the conversation when he brought up the subject of my mother which would was ineveitable. Apparently he sees her in a much brighter light than I ever possibly could. I was ready to argue my case against our mother but I stopped. I realized that maybe his defenses for her may very well be justified as far as his life is concerned. He was kept blissfully ignorant of a lot of the crap that happened mainly because of his age at the time. As it was his father was a violent drunk who numerous times put our family in mortal danger both unintentionally and intentionally. When my mother finally got up the nerve to leave him (with the aid of several male friends to run him out of town) he made the threat that he would steal my brother and we would never see him again. So for what seemed like a long time we were preoccupied with guarding him. He was heavily protected by the entire family from birth until we were told his birth father had died. he had been raised to believe that my sister's and mine's father was his as well. I was very much protective of him which is why when he told me that he had hated me and believed that I hated him threw me for a loop. Either by programming or misremembering he had come up with the notion that since his real father was such an asshole I hated and resented him for it. This was wholly absurd and I did my best to clarify, I only hope he understood. I couldn't tell him he had no point of reference to know the hell that preceded without possibly destroying what he knows as his past. His life has been disrupted enough. Being told at a young age that he isn't who he was raised to believe he was and finding that the truth was actually quite horrific isn't particularly healthy. As a whole the conversation was extremely uncomfortable but at the same time it was great to hear form him again and for a brief momnet or two it was like two brothers justshooting the shit over the phone. And if I never hear form him again I would be content with that as being our last conversation but I'll welcome more.
As with all my posts about my past especially the emotional ones they come out disjointed and hard to follow. Reading this post over I have kept to that tradition and I do apologize but it's hard not to let the emotion influence my typing and thoughts, I have a hard time staying composed.

Great Expectations

2006-06-09T10:42:00.000-04:00

I understand that things have a natural order. As with the universe in general I have a natural order. Now, by "order", I mean a progression and the "order" in which that progression takes place. I think everyone has this in some form or another. I tend to do things as I see them as needing to be done which unfortunately is not on the same time table as that of my wife. Though one might think that this might be a subject of great contention between us it really isn't.....anymore. Early on we both had set standards of the way things should be and they were drastically different, still are really. But as time does: it goes on and a familiarity developes in a relationships that can truely make or break it. Fortunately for us it made it. For my wife everything that needs to be on must be done and right now regardless of the feasability of completeing, what is at times, a monumental undertaking. Needless to say being overwhelmed is a staple in my wife's day to day. This is where I come in. No, I don't help her complete the enormous list of need-to-dos. No, I'm not a shiftless lay-about but I learned my lesson long ago when attempteing aid my wife in her persuits of chores (but that is for another tale). My job is instead to be a distraction from the work that she'll waster her day attemting to accomplish. I have to be tricky with how I do it because I can't jump in to early or she won't get anything on her list done and then I will lose her quickly back to her work agenda. I must wait until she has fully completed 2-3 of her goals then I can move in. The process is always the same: I offer a distraction such as a walk or a drive to which she will stop her frantic pace and listen. She will rebut with she has too much to do and that she has to get back to it or she will not get anything done today. I counter with examples of what she has already accomplished and that she should spend some time with me or the family. Grudgingly she always agrees and we usually have a good time. One might wonder why I do this? Why not just let he finish her work? The answer is simple: She will never finish her work! There will always be somthing she needs to do and do it now. If I didn't provide a distraction she would lose her self in an endless oblivion of work. I learned this the hard way.
On the flip-side she provides me with a necessary counter to my usual work ethic. As I see it there are to types of work: things that could be done and things that need to be done. I tend to disregard the things that could be done and for the things that need to be done I get those accomplished based on the severity of importance. For example let's say a shed could use a new coat of paint, I think " sure a new coat of paint would make it look nicer but it's working just fine with out it." but for a contrast lets say a toilet is broken in the house, I think " ah well, we have another bathroom." but then I need to use the only working bathroom and it is occupied, I now think " I gotta fix that other bathroom now!" so I do. What my wife does for me is help regulate the importance meter on my project list so that something I would be more than happy to put off for 5 years will now be done next week. She used to think my lack of urgency on certain things meant I was never going to do it but she eventually learned that that wasn't the case and that I will get around to it eventually even if "eventually" meant next year.

Pillar Tomb Inscription

2006-05-24T09:28:00.000-04:00

"Real" Life is back in full swing and it's near exhausting. With the baby I am on my toes constantly ready to attend to his every need. That's as it should be but I tell you what, an infant can be very demanding. You can't reason with a baby, you can't demand, threaten, trick, or intimidate them. The only thing you can do is upset or please them, preferably the latter. Thankfully my son is easy to please 98% of the time with the 3 simple needs of feed, clean, or hold. Compared to his sister he is worlds easier to manage than she was at this age but it wasn't entierly her fault. I'm curious to see what his personality will finally develope into, who will he take after? I hope it's my wife since our daughter takes after me. We could use a calm quiet child since our daughter is neither of those things. I think it would help the balance or at least our sanity.

Balloons Making Clown Animals

2006-05-22T23:10:00.000-04:00

I just want to start out by saying that I neglected to mention in yesterday's post that my birthday this year was porbably the best one I've had since I was a kid. Thanks to all who were there and who sent their wishes you made it most memorable! That's it, I just wanted to say that.

Here and Now and Then

2006-05-21T17:46:00.000-04:00

Well, yesterday it happened. I turned 30, it was/is weird. I'm not sure what to make of it since I don't feel any different. No great cosmic event happened to cause me to re-affirm my existance. I don't feel any older than I did at 29, 28, 27, or even 26. But now, strangely, I will undoubtedly be precieved differently than I did when I had the "twenty" prefix to my age. I have always precieved the span of life between the ages of 30-54 as a null time, a time where all you do is live. No major milestones, no age realted life changeing events happen (normally) you just survive until the age of 55 rolls around. 55 is/was the average age of retirement and when senior discounts start, this is the last Milestone outside of death unless you live to be 100. Since the century mark is attained by less than half of a precent of humans on average, I wouldn't hold my breath. I'm not sure I'd want to live that long in the first place or, at least, be that old. Once people pass 70 and they don't look like a corpse they are called "spry", a word usually only used to describe old people who seem to still have a smidgeon of life to them or a shithead kid that can't sit still. Not that I'd mind being really old with a bit of life left in me but with my luck I'd be one of those semi-animate corpses in a wheelchair, hooked to tubes and wires, and a variety of slimes and crusts surrounding my mouth and nose.
For now though I am quite happy to be a 30 year old semi-animate corpses in a wheelchair, hooked to tubes and wires, and a variety of slimes and crusts surrounding my mouth and nose....... but dammit I'm spry!

Perpetual Notion Routine

2006-05-18T00:51:00.000-04:00

It always seems that on nights like this, where I have a busy day following, that I find myself unable to sleep. Consciously I'm not pre-occupied with the next days events in fact the reality of what I have to do tommorow didn't come to mind until I sat to write about the fact that I couldn't sleep. I suppose it's on a subconscious level that my mind is working and as a result my body and mind can not prepare for that restful state that is suuposed to come at the end of the day. I know I have claimed to be a victim of insomnia since my early teens and I still hold to that claim even today though my episodes are not as prevalent. Through the years of dealing with this anomoly I have tried numerous remedies with varying degrees of success. Ranging from the obsurd to the traditional I have seen the lengths others in my predicament have tried to combat insomnia to achieve that state of wholeness that can only be attained from eight hours of uninterupted shut-eye. Personally I think I have discovered my best remedy to date that isn't illegal or requiring of a perscription. That remedy is solitare! It isn't actually the game that is the cure since it can be played in a variety of ways. It's the repetative simple problem solving that puts my mind in a kind of stasis, very much akin to hypnotism. The faster I win the more I know I am reaching the level of calm that I need to crash out hard. It is strange but the closer I get to sleep the better I play, it's almost like I am playing by instinct. If only I coould translate that to something like poker where I could win large sums of cash! Sadly though this technique is only good for when I am playing against myself.

The Inescapable Meaning of Truth

2006-05-16T11:12:00.000-04:00

A hundred times a day I come up with great topics I could write about on this blog and each time I am nowhere near my computer. If I happen to be in the vacinity the computer is not on, or the internet is down, or the baby is crying, or the phone is ringing, or we are invaded by rabid lemmings bent on running into cliffs rather than off of them. In sitting down to write something purposfully I find myself stymied or reduced to writing about something that bothers me. Now I'm not one to shy away from bitching and moaning about what ever I damn well please but even for me I can find it boring. Can you believe it? Sadly however to write about, much less read about how happy a person is with the world or anything in particular can also get tiresome. Personally I get nauseous faster reading about someone's "happy la-la's" then I do reading about what they hate and why. There could be numerous reasons for this but I care not to examine it at the moment. Today is going to be tyopical post. Yes, I'm gonna bitch! But this time I'm going to be slightly topical maybe even political but I promise it won't be all that bad. Today my beef is with the Truth.com people. You know the one that has those comercials on tv where they give you completely pointless "facts" about the cigarettte companies and why they are such bad guys. The people behind this whole campaign are the biggest bunch of moronic assholes! The basis for their early protest driven commercials claimed roughly that the tobacco companies "hid" the dangerousness of cigarettes form the general public and knowingly sold "deadly" preduct. Right out of the gate these people screamed "we are morons!" First of all the dangers of inhaling tobacco smoke was widely know since at least the 1800's. For a more contemporary look check out films from the 1920's to now. I can't count how many times the lines "that's bad for you" or "those'll kill ya" are uttered. Having been raised by smokers who were raised by smokers I asked them the question of why they smoked and did they know it was dangerous? Each one answered the same: The enjoyed smoking, they knew it was dangerous but didn't really care. My great-grandmother and grandmother died form smoking related ilnesses but smoked up until the day they died. I asked my Grandmother if she thought about quitting smoking after she was diagnosed with COPD. She said no. She said that she already had the disease and live or die she was going to do something she enjoyed. The fact is people who want to smoke will regardless of what anyone says. Anyone who wants to quit smoking will, I am living proof of that. Anyone who gets sick from smoking has no one to blame but themselves. Those are the REAL truths. The idiots at Truth.com create a haven for the absurd mentality of wanting to place the blame on someone else rather than taking responsibilty for their own actions. The concept of the victim in this country has become so skewed that I wouldn't be suprised one day to see some idiot attempt to sue a mattress company for their being fired for tardiness from sleeping-in. You may laugh but when a burgaler can sue the people who own the house he broke into because the hurt himself while "on the job" and then win that suit, I'd say the mattress suit is not far behind.

Midnight in the Garden of Cheech and Chong

2006-05-01T10:58:00.000-04:00

You can take the boy out of Cali but you can't take Cali out of the boy. For the longest time I never considered the social impact of my impulses, fashion quirks, or lingo. I never had a reason to growing up in California. It wasn't until a few days before my wedding that my differntness made itself apparetn to the world I was about to enter. I was amino incident but the oddness of it to me made a memorable impression.
I like big shorts. Big, baggy, and almost pants is the way I like them, cargo style especially. I still wear this style today but on that day my soon to be wife's sister, upon seeing these found it odd and by best guess possibly obsurd. She asked "what in the world are those?" to which I replied "where I come from they are called 'shorts'". This was the first time anyone had ever made issue with my clothing style since I had become an adult. You see my wife and her family are from Michigan. For all intents and purposes Michigan is the ideallic middle america. The Hughes films of my childhood all took place in this midwest setting and thus for me gave the impression that such a place was fictional. But there I was marrying right into it. The culture shock didn't hit until we actually moved to Michigan. I quickly realized that a lot of what I would consider passable wouldn't fly in the land of GM and Motown. Another instance where what I had thought innocuous brought unexpected reaction was after Halloween one year where I had altered my facial hair to be inline with the character I had dressed up as. After the holiday had passed a family event was scheduled and my beard had yet to grow back to normal to which my father-in-law posed the question "what's with this?" indicating my "new" look. I assured him it was for Halloween and hadn't grown out yet. Though I could tell he didn't approve of the look he let it go at that. He's cool like that. But this evetn came back to me a few months later when my beard had grown out again and he made the comment " I like this much better" motioning at the beard. I had completly forgotten the incident but he apparently hadn't. I gathered that impulsive change isn't a concept normally encountered or accepted and form that point on I have made a conscious effort to evealuate my impuses that would alter my appearance. Even still I get urges to do something that I wouldn't find all that shocking but I'm sure would cause a siezure or heart attack to those of my wife's family. Not too long ago I was seriously considering dying my hair blue and even more recently I contemplated a mohawk but I always come up short when looking for a way to rationalize it to the in-laws so it never happens. It's does amuse me though the though of freaking out the "mundanes" as we used to call them but in this case I like these people so I don't want to risk any drama. I can live with out blue hair but it doesn't mean I don't want it.

Enohpolyx

2006-04-28T00:22:00.000-04:00

What is real? What should we base our standards of reality on? Should we even ponder this question at all? Well, wetter we should or not is a moot point since I'm going to do it right now. Personally reality has been many different things to me over the years and what is real for me today may not be so tomorrow. Many times throughout the course of my life I have been seriously asked the question "do you ever take anything seriously?" to this I respond "no!" I prefer to take things responsibly. Look up both words in your local dictionary and you me see where I'm coming from. For instance if I saw and man walking down the street and slip on a banana peel, I a liable to laugh hysterically. Let's also say said man has cracked his head open in the fall. The apparent danger of his wound does not detract, to me, from the hilarity of his fall. Despite all that though, I would also render assistance or summon the necessary aid to the man to prevent the aftermath of the event that provided me with such mirth for becoming a tragedy. I would not suddenly feel bad for finding humor in an amusing spectacle just because an event immediately following was potentially life threatening. To me these are two very different things happening at two different times connected only by chance. Some may say I'm sick maybe even heartless and to be honest some people have said just that. But that stems for ignorance and fear of the different, which is a basic human reaction unfortunately. My process of thinking has always been far different form the average. In fact when I was a child, my mother, to her credit, would attempt to explain this to my teachers every year up until middle school. No one ever truly got it. I was labeled a discipline issue yet for the first few years of my educational experience I was always placed in the "advanced" and "gifted" classes and programs. I am not bragging. No, oh no! Not by a long shot. There is no honor, no perks, no personal benefit to being the mutant genius in a school setting. Sure there have been others who may have benefited from such a condition but I didn't want it. I hated the psych evaluations, the Mensa testing, the various other test, the auditions, the poking and prodding, the absolute torture of feeling like a lab rat because your mother things that your "gift" may yield a financial gain. It was in the 2nd grade, when they were going to test me to see how many grades that I might be able to skip that I changed my reality forever. I intentionally failed the placement test, after that I suddenly wasn't all that important anymore. It was nice. I moved on to the 3rd grade like a normal kid and was glad for it. But what does any of this have to do with reality? Simple, What was real in my life was changed by a intentional deliberate act performed solely for the effect of changing that which was real for everyone around me who were in turn directly controlling my reality. Thus I became a normal boy with average intelligence to those who had once thought otherwise. I found that to better suit my liking it was better to play the fool but in "reality" leave them the foolish, in essence maintaining a dual reality.
So if this then was the case for me and if my situation was not unique, then it stands to reason that were another maintaining a similar situation to mine, at the same time being separate from myself, would be sustaining two other realities not related to my own. Would these realities, being completely unaware of mine, be any less real? That Scrondinger's (sp?) cat in the box thing comes to mind for some reason. Anyway, this is getting way to out there and I should have been in bed hours ago. Probably why this whole post is a best semi-coherent.
Good night!

A Flower in the Weeds

2006-04-26T11:05:00.000-04:00

This life thing, as tedious as it may be at times, is totally worth it. As my new found resolve carries me further and further on this ever present adventure great things are happening. Issues of my past that had haunted me at varying degrees have faded away. Tears of confusion evaporated under the blazing sun of understanding. There is a saying " you don't know what you've got until it's gone." But I've come up with my own saying which is a slight variation on the oringal: You don't know what's got you until it's gone. Though the former is intened to instill regret mine is meant more of a release from the intangable bindings that hold us back. As many of you may know, for the past few years, I have been composing my great literary masterpiece, a story of the fantastic with a basis in reality. A metephor with direct real life parallels. The core of the story is based around my first real serious realtionship and the enviornment in which it took place.
For most writers compressing approximately three to four years of sporatic events in to coherant linear tale might not prove to be such a challenge. However, for me, based on the circumstances of it's ultimate real life outcome, I have struggled with it for nigh on ten years. Foolish? Maybe, but look at it this way: When a long intensely emotional situation suddenly ends with a cataclysmic finale with no resolve it creates a temporal bookmark. Anytime something is brough to mind form that time and place you revisit it unaltered. You have no basis for the evolution for those memories or feelings, they sit there in a kind of stasis. For me it was a blockage to my well being. So as I worked on this story I would constantly be brought back to that time and place and all the pain, all the anger, and all the confusion was still there undiluded by time. It literally hurt to write the story. But I figured that if I could get through it I could somehow let it go. No such luck. I started to think there was something wrong with me, I was beginning to be plauged with dreams of my lost love after every writing session. It got to the point that I didn't want to go to sleep for fear of another ficticious heartbreak. Eventually this passed but it still wasn't an easy task to set to work again though progress was slow and arduous.
This is where I was until just a couple days ago. As with everything in my life things happen by chance. While unable to sleep late one night I wandered over to visit a profile that I had created on a web-community. Occasionally I would pop on to see what messages I'd collected, if any, and see what new members where from my old hometown and high school. Usually I'd only find people I vaguely recognized but that night I would find myself faced with my past made present. There she was, older, married, with kids just like me. That which was locked in the past suddenly disolved in to the shadows of the past replaced by this new updated reality. It was wonderful! The obvious fact that I had been oblivious to for so long was as plain as day: we were just two people making our way through this crazy life the best we know how and for a brief moment in time we shared that journey. Any unrealized goal, any half-baked desires, all assumed wrongs have long since been replaced by actualized goals and fulfilled dreams. I could have just let it go with that but I would have regretted not saying something, not letting my presence be known if it was only just to say "hi". So, say "hi" I did and what followed was more than I had ever expected. We had a brief exchange and although what was said was guarded it spoke volumes and if I thought I felt better just coming across her profile the actual communication truely set me free. After that I set back to work on the story again with a ferver I hadn't had in ages. No longer was this opening up an old wound, it had taken it's rightful place in my near limitless vault of compelling and unbelievable stories. I can tell it with out reserve and can look upon it with respect as one of the great events that shaped me as a person today. And thats not such a bad thing if I say so myself.

The Incredible Lightness of Peeing

2006-04-25T12:48:00.000-04:00

Hello, it's been a while. But considering the circumstances I'm sure you understand. All is well, no really, it is! No specifics but I'd have to say that life is worlds better than it was say a week ago. No, I haven't won a million dollars or anything like that. I'm just in a positive state of being.
I was thinking about my parents last night. Apparently I have unresolved issues. I admit this freely now but despite this open admission I doubt any course of action will resolve anything. With the birth of my son I debate even attempting to tell them. They will never be a part of his life. Not because I will bar them from seeing him but because I know for a fact that neither of them will bother to come to see him or even contact him. Hell, they dont even bother to contact me! Fuck them. Their loss! I sometimes have this sick fantasy where my parents find themselves old, dying, and alone and in a last ditch effort to "right" their life's mistakes call me up out of the blue and try to make amends. To which I would respond with such scathing hatred that it would resonate in their mind so much so that my words would carry them to what ever hells await them in the after life! Sick huh? What can I say? I hate my parents. I know this is old news and I do apologize for bringing it up again.
It does seem silly to hate anyone with life being as short as it is but sometimes a person's crimes against another can be so horrific that there can be no redeption. Especially when those crimes are perpetrated from a paretn to their child. My children are so sacred and special to me that the though of harming them in any way makes me physically ill. Here's something I've never told anyone: The first time I gave my daughter a swat on the butt for acting up I felt so bad that I actually cried. True story. I've been told I have a voice that can level mountains so rather than apply physical violence to my children I utilize this gift to enact the consequences of their lapses in respect or judgement. No I do not yell, scream, or shout I just alter the intonation of my voice and it works wonders. It works so well that I have at times scared my wife when she didn't expect the "angry daddy" voice and she was in the other room. Maybe I should write a book. Nah! Alright I'm out.

Vivisection Introspection Section

2006-04-14T10:59:00.000-04:00

Could it be that I have no morals or could it be that I have a "certain moral flexibility"? I would have to discount the notion that I am without morals being as there are things that I absolutly would not do because I find them wrong. I would also say that based on my personal morals I am not flexible at all so that would also discount a moral flexibilty. I have however been accused of being with out morals but I know that to be untrue. So it would stand to reason that there is no true basis for morality. It is what you make it or, sadly, what people make it for you. Admittedly the former is and has been the root cause for many wars and confrontations through out history but is the alternative any better?
it's a conundrum that has plagued the greatest thinkers of our species since the beginning of time. Despite it being a subject that will never have a definitive resolve the constant rhetoric of the subject keeps it a living idea that, in a way, self regulates the notion of morality indefinitly. Think of it as a great see-saw. Whenever one side touches down to make claim the other side counters until they are once again in the ether. Historically you can see this illustration take shape. But this is only on a global level. On a personal level the subject is more cut and dry. Individuals will only think a certain way. You would be hard pressed to find someone, sane, who storngly went both ways on the subject.

There and Back Again and Then Back There Again!

2006-04-09T23:26:00.000-04:00

SO much has happened in the realtivley short hiatus in my postings. The foremost being the birth of my son. Since he was born this last Monday I've been in a state of horrified elation. I feel as if there is soem huge cosmic capper to this whole ride that has been the last couple of weeks. Good or bad I can't escape the feeling that somt thing big if not monumental is going to happen or, for all I know, has happened.
Normally I am one of those people who is hesitant to take the next big step. Usually uncertain of the success of it's outcome I tend to shy away from action at all. As one could imagine this leave me in a hopeless state of stagnation. But all that seems to have changed over the last few weeks. Now I seem up for anything, willing to jump in head first just to get going. I feel antsy, fidgetty, anxious. So much I want to do, so much I need to do. I have ran out of excuses, overcome certain fears.
It's not the arrival of my new son or the news that I am cancer free that has provoked this new postion. Well honestly that's not entirely true but it did get the ball rolling so to speak and to quote a favortie movive line "fireowrks only happen when there is stuff in the rockets already."
To clarify: with all the life changing and life affirming events that have been coming at me like an endless freight train there has been a triggered response that has changed me as a person. Maybe not "changed" but rearranged my perspective as to reallign, or maybe even allign, my priorities.
I am tempted to grab hold of people by the ears and yell at them, screaming " Your life is ticking away before you! Grab it, take it, use it, Live it! you pussy!!" In a very scary, scary way it's a lot like my experience with suicide and how it changed me forever. But that is another story. Wish me luck I'm off to live.

Dead Men Need No Meds

2006-03-27T12:27:00.000-05:00

I live!! The surgery went well or at least as well as could be expected. I ended up having 15 places excavated qand I can feel ever one of them with or without the meds. With them they are just a few spots of discomfort but with out it's like I've been stabbed 15 times! And really I have. The drawback is that the meds put me in a pseudo dream like ditzyness but on the upside the meds put me in a pseudo dream like ditzyness! I also sleep great and have extremely vivid and bizzare dreams. Anyway I am reaching maximum threshold for coherantness so I'm off.

Prison Sex

2006-03-24T09:29:00.000-05:00

I was robbed! Flat out, no doubt about it, completely robbed! My entry to the contest I had entered was slammed and voted out right outta the gate. Here it is for those who wish to see it:
http://www.dimestoreproductions.com/SPA/Idol06/Doomseed.asp

Wanna see something that did make it through? Looky:
http://www.dimestoreproductions.com/SPA/Idol06/DESPERUTTERS.asp

here is another:
http://www.dimestoreproductions.com/SPA/Idol06/KeelhaulKidd.asp

One more just to twist the dagger again:
http://www.dimestoreproductions.com/SPA/Idol06/SweetPea.asp

Though I'm not the only talented person to be turned away. Infact there are quite a few people up-in-arms about the complete mess this "contest" is. It seemed legit from what I could tell but I was sadly mistaken. I guess I should have looked more closely at the judges which consisted of a guy who competed in the contest before and appently didn't win, the web hosts wife who has no clue about anything, and some other no name guy off the street as far as I can tell. Too amny of the judges comments included lines to the effect of "I know this guy". I fell stupid to have wasted all this effort on a half assed event that played itself off as serious. At first I was pissed at the comments by the talentless hacks who I foolishly let critique my work but now I'm also angry for the other blokes with a lick of skill who where duped to think they had a fair shot. Of the latest batch of turn aways I'm seeing people with more ability that most of the ones who have made it and it drives me crazy! Ah well fuck 'em and fuck this contest.

Running Down a Nightmare

2006-03-23T11:03:00.000-05:00

Well it is done! I finished the cover drawing submitted it last night with, what I think is, a clever little plot summary. After such a stress filled time as was the process of completeing the work, you'd think that having it done would take a load off my mind. It doesn't! Last night, after submitting, I just couldn't sleep. My mind was racing with thougts of failure, thoughts of my submission not making it and missing the dead line, and reading the judges comments. I'd like to think my stuff is good, I want for it to be superior but I am such a tortured artist. I'm not sure if anyone realizes what balls it took for me to do this contest. Win or lose though I needed to do it.
With the cover submitted I have but to only wait and see. There are requirments for round two but I don't want to jinx it by strating too early. I'd hate to do all the work for the next round only to not get voted through. I want to think that my stuff is as good if not better than what has already passed but either superstition or wisdom is quelling those thoughts. I can't believe how more stressed I am now!! FUCK! Surgery tommorow isn't helping matters much either. I guess I'll try and forget about it all and veg out in front of the idiot box and let the myself relax in sitcom oblivion.

A Mad Dash to The Finish

2006-03-22T09:25:00.000-05:00

This week has so far been a mad uncontrolled descent down a mountain side on a bicycle without breaks. The Finish Line is Friday where in I will undergo surgery to remove cancerous crap from various parts of my body. Whooo fun! But before then I have to finish a cover design for a contest I am partaking in that may very well land me a publishing deal for my comic. There is a certain degree of pressure to get it right and to perform to the highest measure of my ability. Though I have had a month to produce merely a concept sketch that could be used for what is known as a zero issue or origin issue, I've really only had a week. The first two weeks were spent in a vain attempt to ressurect another project for this contest but my mind has been so saturated in my "Doomseed" story I just couldn't switch gears. So I decided to just go for it with DS and see what happens. This seemed the like the answer but then I had to go and get sick again and there was once agian a pneumonia scare. Despite my objections My wife took me to the doctor and got a perscription for an antibiotic that I had used previously to knock out the earlier case of pneumonia adn it did the trick. On Monday I finally set to work on the sketch and it came to me in seconds. I had roughed a layout and was in no time putting the final concept to paper. Under normal circumstances I would have been able to knock out something like this in a day putting in about 6 hours of work if that. But I wanted to make a departure from current over-stylized look and go back to my roots with more focus on realism and detail. The outcome has so far been phenominal but it has taken far longer than anticipated. Fortunately I should have the piece done today and if all goes well, submitted. I really need to invest in a large scanner but they are quite spendy. If things go well with this contest it may become more of a necessity.
Anyway, it's off to work for me. Peace!

Bring on the Love

2006-03-20T09:06:00.000-05:00

OK a quick apology for yesterdays post being the first one in a long time and having it be full of hate. I'm not apologizing for the content just the timing.
Now for something completely different......

I love my wife. I know thats not shocking information and I'd be quite concerned if it was. But everyday I involuntarily just start thinking about her and I always feel like the luckiest mother fucker alive. No matter how bad she pisses me off or how intolerable I think her quirks are I find myself thinking that my life wouldn't be complete without being able to bitch about them. But that is only a small part of the whole. If ever there was an example to solidify the fact of the claim that opposites attract we'd be it. We are complete opposites in almost every way but where we are the same is on a level that makes our attraction innate or maybe even supernatural. I think it is safe to speak for both of us in that if there truely is such a thing as soulmates, twin souls, or the like we are that for each other.

A Scourge on My Ancestry

2006-03-19T11:05:00.000-05:00

Todays title is in reference to good ol' St. Patrick. Fist of all the fucker wasn't even Irish. And what he did to the land of my forefathers is to me and many others a crime most heineous. Last year I saw a news story claiming that St. Patty's day was losing all meaning and had degraded to an excuse to get drunk, wear green and fake Irish. To that I say Awsome! For those not in the know the prupose of the "holiday" is to celebrate a man who's "achievments" resulted in countless murders of innocent people and the destruction of an entire cuture both during and after his time. How noble! So worthy of commeration annually! Coming from an strong pagan Irish background I was raised to hate St. Patrick and as I got older I found the hate to be justified. A little unsugar-coated history for you is that Patrick, a Briton boy, was kidnapped by Irish marauders and lived as a sheppard for an uncertain number of years in Ireland before he escaped and fled to France. Eventually he worked his way through the church heirarchy and convinced the church to "invade" Ireland. Apparently Patrick was still bent about being kidnapped so with the power of the Catholic church behind him he set off to get his revenge. Knowing that he could not command the need for an army he went about his invasion it in a sly way. He would attempt to convert them. He used the traditional way with the fear tactics most christian based religeons are known for and it worked for the most part. Where it did not though a simple word, to those in power, would say that those folk were enemies to the church and they would be dealt with. The survivors had no choice but to "convert". Many were killed in Patricks great need for revenge but he evetually got it and Ireland was consumed. But the damage he inflicted didn't end there or even with his death. In fact the second hell he had set upon the Irish laid in wait for over 1000 years. When the dispicable english monarchy decided to split from catholisim in th 1500's with the less than brilliant King Henry VIII at the helm all hell broke loose. To be fair it wasn't just the Irish who suffered for this but this is about the Irish and the shit dealt to them by the dog fucking bastard Patrick. Anyway Ol' Henry basically outlawed the practice the catholic religeon and once again the Irish were fucked because of their belief system. A system forced on to them by the aid of the very force that was now persecuting them!!!! "Saint" Patrick indeed! For those of you who raise your glass of Guiness and cheer at the shout of a "Happy St. Patricks day!" you might as well also say "Happy Hitler day!" As well, you wouldn't be far off. And for you loyal dogs of rome go a head an celebrate! It was, after all, a victory for you.

The Best of...

2006-03-08T13:27:00.000-05:00

I always write these posts with the intention that I'm writing it to be read by someone who doesn't know me. This is fine I guess but what of those that read and they do know me? I often wonder what my complete lack of censorship does to their opinions of me? Not that I particularly care what people think of me I just wonder at any possible shock or surpirise that what I say might bring to those who claim to know me. I by no means put on any fronts nor do I really censor myself in person but in these personal rants I tend to be a bit more complete in my expositions. Granted politeness and general respect can keep me from being this open in public. Sure I like to be liked but I want it to be for solid reasons and not based on any falsehoods or misconceptiones. Sometimes I think my frankness catches people off guard and that always baffles me. I would think that most people would want things to be that way. It would make for less problems in the long run. I don't know I just know I hate dealing with people and when I can avoid it I will. Friends and Family are excluded from that statement though. These are people who's company I enjoy and will seek out if the mood arises.

The Vault of Horror

2006-03-08T00:16:00.000-05:00

Time for another survey...(Gimme a break I'm sick I'll post something real tommorow)

1. What does your Blog headline mean?
Just what it says. There is a more philosophical meaning behind it but I'm not of a mind to explain it right now.

2. Elaborate on your default photo:
A webcam still I fucked with in Photoshop. Tried to make it look like a ghost. Lame.

3. What's your current relationship status?
Married.

4. What exactly are you wearing right now?
Sweats, t-shirt, and a flannel.

5. What is your current problem?
Self confidence and esteem resulting from a history of horrific abuse.

6. What do you love most?
My family.

7. What makes you most happy?
My family.

8. Are you musically inclined?
Very much so.

9. The last song you listened to?
"All This I should Have Kown" by Breathe

10. If you could go back in time, and change something, what would it be?
I'm not to keen on changing the past I like the present. I wouldn't want to risk it.

11. If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be?
A wolf.

12. Ever have a near death experience?
A few times.

13. Name an obvious quality you have?
Charisma.

14. What's the name of the song that's stuck in your head right now?
There isn't one if you can believe it.

(15-20 have been stolen and police are currently investigating)

21. What do you usually order from Starbucks?
That they shut down.

22.Have you ever hurt yourself on purpose?
No, that would be stupid.

24. Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity?
Yes, but not that I resembled one just that I looked like a person you'd think was famous for some reason. (true story it's happened more than once)

25. Do you still watch kiddy movies or TV shows?
Yes, quite often.

26. Did you have braces?
No.

27. Are you comfortable with your height?
Sure it's fine.

28. What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you?
The way my wife proposed to me. Yes, she proposed to me and I'll never forget it.

29. Do you speak any other languages?
I speak and understand enough Spanish it get by but I am completely fluent in gibberish and drunk.

30. Whats your favorite smell?
Lilac.

31. What is your favorite word?
"Maybe"

32. What is your least favorite word?
"Offended"

33.What turns you on?
My wife.

34. What turns you off?
Beer farts.

35. What sound do you love?
My wifes voice.

36. What sound do you hate?
The ring of a telephone.

37. What profession other than yours would you like to attempt?
Fimammker/director

38. What profession would you not like to participate in?
Sales.

39. What is your favorite curse word?
"Fuck"

40. If heaven exists, what do you wish God would say to you when you reach the pearly gates?
"I was just keepin it warm for ya boss."
_____________________

These are supposedly 27 questions that no one would EVER think to ask :

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was behind you?
The looming spectre of Death.

2. How much cash did you spend yesterday?
None.

3. What's a word that rhymes with mist?
"pissed"

4. Favorite planet, which you would live at, if you could?
Earth.

5. Who is the LAST person you talked to ?
My wife.

6. What is your favorite ring on your phone?
Vibrate.

7. What is the last band shirt you wore?
Metallica.

8. What do you think of yourself?
Not much.

9. Name the brand of your shoes you're currently wearing.
Vans.

10. Night light or pitch black?
Neither, street light.

11. What do you think about the (previous) person who took this?
Fuck if I know. Never met the person.

(Nuber 12 has gone missing search parties a currently being formed)

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Sleeping fitfully.

14. What did your last text message say that you received on your cell?
I don't text it's lame....and expensive.

15. Where is the nearest Valero?
The wha..? Don't know, don't care.

16. What's something that you say a lot:
"Fuck"

17.Who told you they loved you last?
My wife.

18. Last furry thing you touched?
My nuts. Hey you asked!!!

19. How Many Drugs Have You Done In The Past three Days?
Three: Nyquil, Dayquil, and Advil.

(Good news! 12 has bee found but it is currently on the run with number 20 so it's best to count them out)

21. Favorite age you have been so far?
All of them.

22. Your worst enemy?
Myself.

23. What is your current desktop picture?
Two rodents attacking each other.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?
"Good night"

25. How do you like your eggs?
Batsted

Tales From The Crypt

2006-03-05T17:11:00.000-05:00

A little update as to why there haven't been any. I am typing this from my death bed. Ok, not really but to say "death desk" just doesn't have the same power behind it. I once again have contracted some new disease brought home from one of two lovely ladies who share my dwelling. Since my wife is a school teacher and my daughter is in kindergarten they are not in short supply of various nasty viruses supplied by the filthy little urchins that make up the student bodies of thier respective schools. Invartiably what they bring home merely passes them by with a sniffle whereas I am laid low. The reason I have the ability to even make it down to my desk and post anything at all is a feat of sheer stupidity fueld by the arcane power of a mixing of Night and Dayquil. Hallucinations and fever dreams abound as my body temp soars over the 100 degree mark. Coupled with the fact that it is snowing and I am home alone makes for quite a surreal experience. Wish me luck and all that as I head back to the livingroom to continue this odd experience I'm calling "Fear and Loathing on the Couch" as I watch the texture of the ceiling become ants again.

More Than You Ever Wanted To Know

2006-03-02T11:12:00.000-05:00

Relationship Survey

1)Are you currently in a relationship or single?
In a relationship. Married actually for the past 7 years.

2) Are you happy with where you are?
For the most part but I am always striving to improve.

3) When you meet the right person, do you fall fast?
No. I tend to be leery with issues of the heart.

4) Have you ever cheated on someone?
This is a complex question for me but in the tradional sense yes I have.

5) Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is acceptable?
Unless you are maried or vow or promises have been made there is no such thing as "cheating".

6) Would you ever take someone back, if they cheated on you?
By my definition absolutly not!

7) Have you talked about marriage with another person or have you been married?
Yes.

8) Do you want children?
Yes. Already have one with another one on order.

9) If yes how many?
Not 100% sure yet.

10) Would you consider adoption?
No.

11) If somebody liked you right now, what do you think a cool unique way of showing you would be?
I really have no idea.

12) Do you enjoy a chase?
No.

13) Be honest, do you play the "game" when you are dating someone?
No.

15) Are you romantic?
In my own way, yes.

16) Do you believe that you can change someone?
No.

17) If you could get married anywhere, money not an object where would it be?
Location isn't impotant to me.

18) Fuck buddies?
Never.

19) Do you easily give in when you are fighting?
No. Unless I'm am obviously in the wrong.

20) Do you have feelings for someone right now, whether they know or not?
Yes.

Who was the last person...

1. You talked to?
My daughter.

2. You hugged?
My daughter.

3. You instant messaged?
My wife.

4. You yelled at?
My cat.

5. You laughed with?
My Family.

6. Who broke your heart?
Penny.

7. Who complimented you?
My daughter.

Do you or Have you ever...

1. Have a Birthmark?
Technically eveyone does, it's called a bellybutton.

2. Have any piercings?
None.

3. Cook your own Dinner?
Yes, quite often.

4. Color your hair?
Haven't since college.

5. Have green eyes?
Why yes I do.

6. Stolen anything?
I'm pleading the 5th here.

7. Smoked?
Yes, unfortunatly but no longer.

8. Taken drugs?
Refer to #7.

9. Been Obsessive?
Yes, on various subjects.

10. Shot a gun?
Yes, Various kinds and caliburs.

11. Done something illegal?
Refer to #6.

12. Panic?
Only ever twice.

13. Suffer Anxiety?
Nope.

14. Been Depressed?
Yes, many times.

15. Been a Control Freak?
Only under certain circumstances.

16. Obsessed with hate?
No, but have filled with it form time to time.

Random Questions

1. If you were a cartoon character, what would you be like?
Scary and fascinating all at the same time.

2. If you could be anywhere, where would it be and with who?
Anywhere as long as it was with my family.

3. Can you do anything freakish with your body?
Yes actually, I can vibrate my eyes.

4. What feature do you find most attractive on girls?
Honestly? Legs, butt and face.

5. Would you vote for a woman candidate for president?
No, But not because it'd be a woman it's because I don't vote. I dislike pissing in the wind.

6. Would you marry for money?
Absolutley not!

7. Have you had braces?
No

8. Do you wear lip gloss?
Hehe, no!

9. Do you sing in the shower?
Only when I know no one is home.

10. Do you play any sports?
Not really. Though I do enjoy pick up games of various sports.

11. Could you live without a computer?
Yes, but withdrawls would be a bitch.

12. Do you use AOL, MSN, or Yahoo?
MSN sometimes.

13. If so, how many people are on your list?
I'm not sure 7 to 10 maybe.

14. If you could live in any past, when would it be?
The present is good enough for me.

15. Do you wear white socks?
Yes, but I prefer grey or black.

16. Do you wear shoes?
Yes but only on occasion.

17. What is your favorite fruit?
Fuji Apples.

18. Do you eat wheat bread or white?
In terms of sandwhich bread I prefer wheat.

19. What is your favorite place to visit?
I don't have a favorite place.

20. Fav DVD?
Sanjuro.

21. Do you kiss on the first date?
Depends on how the date goes.

22. Are you photogenic?
Wether I am or not I'll never think so.

23. Do you dream in colors or black and white?
Yes, vivid color.

24. What are you wearing right now?
T-Shirt, flannel, and knit pants.

25. Do you eat a lot of fruit?
I wouldn't say that I do but I will eat it if it's around.

26. Do you have dimples?
Not in my cheeks but in my chin.

27. Do you remember being born?
No.

28. Why do you take surveys?
I'm not really sure.

29. Do you drink alcohol?
Yes, but not to the degree some may think.

30. Did you like high school?
Some good memories but there is pleanty to want to forget.

31. What is the best accent?
Irish or Scottish hands down!

32. Who do you want to kiss?
My wife, My kids, My ass goodbye.

34. Do you like sunsets?
Yes, theya re at times quite lovely.

35. Do you want to live to be 100?
Only if I can keep my wits and a semblance of health.

36. Do you or have you played with a ouija board?
They are not toys! Buy I have used one numerous times.

37. Are you loyal?
To those who are worthy of my loyalty, yes.

38. Are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?
Most, yes.

39. Is music your life?
Not my "life" but it is big part of my life.

40. Do you like scary movies?
I'm sure I would if I ever actually saw one. But I don't think one has ever been made.

41. Do you think you can draw well?
I am a very talented artist.

42. At what age did you find out that Santa Clause wasn't real?
Honestly, I hold to the belief that there is a Santa Clause. I know and have know that it wasn't a person per se since I was very young. But I think of it more as an ideal, a metphor.

43. How many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?
5-6 maybe.

44. Do you like to wear the same shoes everyday?
No, not necessarily.

45. Do you write poetry?
I haven't in many many years.

46. Snore?
I have been accused of such but I doubt it.

47. Do you sleep more on your back, front, or sides?
On all equally.

48. Do you like Cats/Dogs?
Fish, Thank you.

49. Do you lick stamps?
No, our relations ships are strictly plutonic.

50. Do you use an electric can opener?
No I dont see the need to when a manual actually works better.

51. Have you ridden in a hot air balloon?
Yes I have.

52. Like your name?
Not really, no.

53. Were you named after anyone?
Yes.

54. Do you wish on stars?
On shooting stars, yes.

55. The last time you flipped someone off?
Last weekend.

56. When did you last cry?
I don't really remember. Over a year ago at least.

57. What is your favorite band?
The Cure.

58. Who do you admire?
Many people for various reasons.

59. What is your 1st priority in life?
To enjoy it.

60. What is your favorite day of the week?
Thursday.

61. What is your favorite color/shade?
Green

Music Survey

Name 10 bands you are in to:(in no particular order)

1) The Cure

2) Depeche Mode

3) Oingo Boingo

4) Tool

5) The Smiths

6) INXS

7) Primus

8) Dead Can Dance

9) Joy Division

10) Toad the Wet Sprocket

Now answer the questions according to the numbers.

1. What was the first song you ever heard by 6?
"Listen Like Thieves"

2. What is your favorite album from 8?
"Toward the Within"

3. What is your favorite lyric that 5 has sung?
"The sun shines out of our behinds"

4. How many times have you seen 4 live?
Twice.

5. What is your favorite song of 7?
"Jerry Was A Racecar Driver"

6. What is a good memory you have considering the music of 10?
The 10th grade.

7. Is there a song of 3 that makes you sad?
"We Close Our Eyes"

8. What is your favorite lyrics that 2 has sung?
"From the notes that I’ve made so far love seems something like wanting a scar"

9. What is your favorite song by 9?
"Transmission"

10. What was the first song you heard by 1?
"Killing An Arab"

11. What is your favourite song by 4?
"Jerk Off"

12. How many times have you seen 9 live?
Never.

13. What is a good memory you have concerning 2?
Pasadena, CA. The Rose Bowl 1988.

14. Is there a song of 8 that makes you sad?
"Severance"

15. What is your favorite album of 5?
"The Queen is Dead"

16. What is your favorite lyric that 3 has sung?
"And when it's all been said and done it's better that you've had some fun"

17. What is your favourite song of 1?
"Charlotte Sometimes"

18. What is your favorite song of 10?
"Is it For Me?"

19. How many times have you seen 6 live?
Never.

20. What is your favorite album of 2?
"Black Celebration"

21. What is a great memory you have considering 9?
Playing "She's Lost Control" and "Love Will Tear Us Apart" as cover songs in one of my many bands.

22. What is your favorite lyric that 6 has sung?
" Beacuse we all have wings but some of us don't know why"

23. What was the first song you heard by 8?
Ullyses

Learning Curb

2006-03-02T08:48:00.000-05:00

Before anyone says anything, yes I know. It's just a play on words. Anyway, I'd like to think that I am, at the very least, a good father. I won't go so far as to claim greatness but I hope I am at least pulling off better than passable. I know first hand what a bad father, or parent for that matter, is. I know what not to do. It's scary though how my initial reactions to certain situations mirror that of my upbringing. It's a constant battle of acting against what nurture has programmed into me. More times than I can count I've heard people proclaim that they are never going to be like their parents. Well to them I say "good luck! You're gonna need it!" It takes a conscious effort to act contrary to what you know. I do it every day but still I lapse every once in a while. However, sometimes I am the opposite to an extreme degree but the average is right in the middle, right where I think I want to be. There are certain images of a father that I just can't be and to be fair I just don't want to be. As a man I am as I am though, just as I want to be. As a father I am ever evolving as the circumstance of that station is ever changing. As a husband I am running blind through a whole world I don't know. Life truly is a many splendored thing but for every splendor there is a horror and for a man to make it in this world I truly believe he needs, whether inherited or obtained, three things: an adventurers spirit, a warrior's heart, and a poets mind. With these a man can take on anything the world throws at him.

Queer and Pleasant Danger

2006-02-28T21:34:00.000-05:00

These past few days I've been padding my nomination for dad of the year award. My daughter and I have been buddying around town just having a grand ol' time. Lately she has be having some real problems both at home and at school with discipline issues. We eventually figured out the reason for this almost sudden shift in her demeanor. Even though we are expecting a new baby quite soon we had been consciously making an effort to include our first born in all the activities involving the preperation of the new arrival. So the thought of her behavior being a result of sibling shock was far from my mind. But after some thought and having essentially a four day weekend ahead I decided to change my methodology. Instead of trying to focus her attentions to the new baby I decided to focus solely on her for a while. The result was incredible, she became again the sweet little girl she was before and we had a wonderful two days. I realized that the cause of her upset and stress was the baby and that giving her a break and giving her some "me" time was well warranted. The trick now, as the parent, will be learning the fine art of balancing attention between the children, especially in the beginning when the baby will require the lion's share of the attention. Dual parent equal participation will be vital if I am going to maintain any semblance of sanity and have any hope of maintaining a career of any kind. It'll be challenging but I think we will be alright.

Tackboard Confessions

2006-02-26T08:45:00.000-05:00

Well I awoke this morning to the sound of my house falling down around me. No not literally but it sounded like it was. You see my wife's nesting impulse is at meltdown levels and this morning bright and early, whilst everyone else was asleep, she felt it was necessary to move around a large boxspring and mattress in a storage closet right next to the bedroom where I was sleeping. The resulting banging, scraping, and sliding roused me with a start and an immediate desire to throttle my lovely wife. A violent 7 a.m. wake up call after a long night and a bed time of 3 a.m. tends to set one off kilter. A warning to all you men out there who wish to be fathers someday: As you know women tend to lack a certain level of understandable reason that is noticeable by most men. In a pregnancy a woman loses any remnant of that reason she may or may not have had beforehand. Though sometimes their actions may seem inconsiderate and rude you have to remember that they have pretty much forgotten you even existed as they are overcome by the urges to prepare for baby. For a man it's difficult if not impossible to comprehend the effect of pregnancy on the human body and mind. My understanding is rudimentary at best stemming only from personal experience and what I have read. And really with out experiencing something first hand you can't claim much more. However, when it comes to the social, intellectual, and environmental interaction of being a man and living with a pregnant woman I am, like every man before me, an unprecedented expert.

On the Shoulders of Midgets

2006-02-24T10:05:00.000-05:00

Today I get a special treat due to another's oversight. This afternoon I get to get another advance viewing of our upcoming new arrival. It turns out in all the excitement of seeing the ultrasound the attending nurse forgot to measure the baby's spine. So as a result we get another ultrasound! The reason I am excited, aside form seeing my child, is that I have the possibility to reaffirm the chances of it being a boy! Wow, I never thought I'd ever be excited about seeing a penis.
One thing I found funny at our last ultra sound was the reaction I got when I asked about those new 3D machines. The nurses or maybe it was a doctor, hard to tell they do not differentiate uniforms like the military, seemed like I'd just asked he how her vagina smells. She and the other lady seemed almost insulted and began to trash talk the thing. After that I stated I was just curious and if I wanted one just for fun where could I go? Well to this you'd think I asked if I could rape their daughters on their kitchen table! The main nurse/doctor lady turned away form me with a huff and said "I don't know! Maybe Chicago, maybe farther away. But it will be expensive and I doubt your insurance would cover it. You'd just be wasting your time." To which I replied "oh, that's not a problem. I'll just buy a machine to use at home."
The the ladything looked at me with a smug look and said "you know those machines probably cost at least a million dollars or more?" to which I replied "Is that all? Maybe I get two then and donate one to this place since you can't afford one." Then that lady left the room and the nicer nurseladything proceeded with the ultrasound. It was a fun interaction. I love it when people try to outsmart-ass me. I take a strange and sick pleasure out of pissing people off, especially if they deserve it.
Anyway, this is leading away from the original post idea,(I know, when has that stopped me before?) So I'll end it here and be off.

Killing Me Softly

2006-02-23T16:53:00.000-05:00

The other night we watched the new Dungeons & Dragons movie. Yes, there is now a sequel! Let me start by saying that the first film is such a steaming pile of crap that I wanted to have the part of my brain burned out that would hold the memory that I had ever watched it! Anyway, the buzz about this new, direct to DVD, movie was positive. Industry (gaming that is) people were singing it praises and claiming it to be better than the original. Well, to be technical, this is true. However, to be better than the first isn't a great achievement not by a long shot. In fact to just reach the level of "suck" would be worlds better than the first. To be fair the second film does have a better premise, it has better character concepts, and it didn't force anyone to pay ticket prices to see it on the big screen but that's the end of the good. What was truly bad about this film, aside form the horrible acting, the weak ass special effects, and the incoherent story was the fact that the filmmakers basically took the Players Handbook and turned it into a script. It's really a film of flavor text. This sad really because taken as a source for creating compelling stories, Dungeons & Dragons is ever fertile ground but the two film attempts on the subject have gone to both ends of the spectrum for horribly wrong! The first disregarded the established D&D setting (Know to us geeks as Greyhawk) and hired some hack writer or writers to slap together some semblance of a fantasy story and then slapped the D&D name on it. The second Went in the other direction. The stuck too closely to the source material in the wrong way. Rather than choosing to remain faithful to a location or established story the chose to adhere to the game system! The system is not the story, it's not what brings gamers back time after time to complete epic campaigns or recount their exploits in an imagined world!
Why is it the film industry seems to know dick about the actual making films? It is storytelling! If your going to make it up all your own that's fine but if you are going to borrow form someone else's work take the time to figure out what it is that makes it so great. Don't ask the creators or owners that have no idea! They got lucky. The don't hold any special secrets or know any magic formula to success.
Take comicbook movies for example those that are good merely borrow the flavor of the comic they are adapting. They don't stick religiously to the comic story or the costumes or time lines and this is a good thing! Comics do not literally translate to the screen. It's impossible and un warranted. Look at the Hulk, that film sucked ass! But it was made by folks who had made other stunning and successful films so why did it go wrong? The film makers didn't know shit about comics or comic readers. They thought that if they made the film like a comic book it would appeal to the target audience at the very least. They were dead wrong! Not only did the comic fans blast it but regular film goers avoided it due to the nature and odd styling of the film. Tip to filmmakers working on movies about comic book properties or games: Don't try to make the remake the comic/game on the screen! It looks lame(DOOM), makes for a bad movie(D&D 1&2), and it makes you look like a jackass (Ang Lee)! If comic readers want to read a comic they'll do just that, go read a comic! And if the general film goer isn't a comic reader they aren't going to want to watch one either. You need to focus on the story and nature of the subject and forget about the format it originally came from. Apply their story to your trade, don't try to apply their trade to your story.
Since I know I have a readership of maybe 2 I know I'm just pissing in the wind but dammit I just has to say something! Spider Man 3, X-Men 3, V for Vendetta, Ghost Rider, Superman, Wonder Woman, Batman 2 all these upcoming films have me scared shitless. I know some will be cool but I know some are going to blow big time. Only time will tell.

A Turn of a Screw

2006-02-22T13:26:00.000-05:00

I have seen the top of the mountain, from a distance, through a telescope, and it looks good! But I think I'm gonna go see what's over here first.
There are those that do not know what it is that I do. I am a comic creator or as I like to put it, because it sounds cooler, a graphic novelist. By nature I am a storyteller and by trade I am an artist so this profession choice was a no-brainer. My journey to this however has been turbulent and it wasn't until a few years ago that I started to really take it seriously. As with so many things in my fucked-up upbringing my desires and abilities were constantly attacked by those who should have been supportive. My mother flat told me I sucked at what ever I tried to do, my father told me my dreams were stupid and that I should prep myself for a life of hard labor, my father's parents agreed with him and used my desires as fodder to attack my mom's side of the family, and to top it all off as what would have been the final nail in the coffin of my comicbook dreams was that my longtime girlfriend and her family used my ambition (or what they referred to as lack of ambition) as a means to belittle me and pretty much make me feel like less than shit! My mother's parents were the only ones who showed any sign of encouragement but up against the onslaught of negativity their efforts, unfortunately, couldn't abate the doubt and hopelessness that had already set in.
So from about the age of 17 until about the age of 23 I pretty much gave up art outside of the spare doodle or character sketch for my gaming friends. It was with the birth of my daughter and the constant encouragement of my wonderful wife that I rekindled my desire to try again. For about two years I warred within myself trying desperately to overcome the demons who had for years stayed my hand from actually creating something. Sometimes I would win but more more often I'd lose. I would destroy most of the work I did and I hated everything else, usually with out reason. I went into a severe depression and it was about this time I had my accident that pretty much left me a semi-functional cripple. I started smoking pot extensively and for about three years I did nothing. I got high, got fat, neglected my child, and almost lost everything good that had ever happened to me. I refused to get help, my family was at war again and the world started to seem really small. It's no wonder that my wife finally decided that she was moving back to Michigan. I asked her "what if I don't want to move in Michigan?" and she eloquently stated "You don't have to move to Michigan but your daughter and I are. You are welcome to join us but you can do what you want." This sobered me right the fuck up! I took a few days and got my head clear and we talked it over and we agreed to give Michigan a try for one year and if it didn't pan out we could seriously look for a permanent home for our family together. In the interim I landed a couple paying gigs doing illustrations for a gaming fanzine and an acquaintance of my wife's she had met through a writer's workshop. These events marked the first holes in my artistic barrier. I was doing art and getting paid for it! The feeling was exhilarating. Soon after we made the move to Michigan and I didn't get any more artistic work but that was fine I was in a better state of mind and I actually started work on my own comic series. It was slow going and I expected it would be. I had chosen to to do a comic based on certain events that happened in my life and it was rough. I went through more than a dozen rewrites trying to get actual facts and good story to mesh. A few times I wanted to give up but my wife stuck by me and I found my stride again. My down time wasn't wasted though because during that time I had come up with numerous other story ideas and some of them were actually good!
Eventually we decided that Michigan would most likely be out permanent home after all and when we were able we bought a house. In this house I got to have something I so long desired and apparently needed. A room of my own, an office, but more over a studio! A place where I could hide, sing my brains out, and create. Alone. Just like I did as a kid. It worked! I was...semi-cured. It seemed bad habit took over where psychosis left off. But I maintained as best I could and accomplished more in 2 years than I had in all the years prior combined. I now have three complete or near complete stories, and numerous other ideas. I have discovered a local gathering of comicbook creators that hold meetings every other Monday and I attend as regularly as I can. And just this last week I discovered a competition that may be just the thing I've been hoping for! I'm not about to let opportunity pass me by, not this time, not ever again! Wish me luck!

Mars Attacks

2006-02-21T09:30:00.000-05:00

I think I have been misrepresenting myself when it comes to the subject of religion. As it would appear I am vehemently against it in all it's forms. This is not exactly accurate. In reality I am not against any religious belief unless it promotes hate or intolerance anywhere, no matter how veiled, in it's doctrine. I understand the traditional and spiritual fulfillment people find in such practices and in my opinion that's is a good thing. Personally I see no need for religion or an adherence to an intangible deific identity. I believe that traditional and spiritual fulfillment can be achieved with out it. That to reach that state with out the reliance on a predetermined set of rules or requirements will lead to an even greater wholeness of being. But, to be fair, this is my belief and I in no way expect it to work for anyone else.
Some people never find that spiritual center and not for lack of trying. They just do not find what it is they are looking for in a religion or within themselves and to me that is tragic. There are also those that never find it but they never bother to look but that is an entirely different subject. Another thing I find tragic is those who adhere to a religion or belief system out of habit or inherited belief. If I had my way children would not be allowed to attend any church or organizations function or ceremonies until they inquired or were of age. I know that this is beyond unrealistic for this day and age with the state of all organized religions. Especially in the untied states where everything is a business including religion.
Organized religion is in many ways akin to organized crime. How so you ask? Let take a look:
Both are huge profit takers that don't pay taxes.
The profit both acquire comes from "donations" taken from those who are in their territory.
They both influence politics to the their benefit.
They use "legitimate" business fronts to do and conceal most of their real work.
Really I could go on and on but to what end? Religion is a profitable business and if you disagree you have already bought their product. Seriously you'd be hard pressed to find a priest, pastor, minister, or rabbi that drove an old and or inexpensive car, lived in a small to modest home in an average to only slightly okay part of town, and who had to hold a full time job to make ends meet. Don't get me wrong, my indictment of those that facilitate these organizations in no way reflects feelings towards the core beliefs that initially founded them. Nor does it affect those that hold to those beliefs. But in all honesty most of those who regular these places haven't any real clue to the nature of their religions outside of what the CEO of these churches tells them.

Is it live?

2006-02-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

Mid-life crisis. When does it happen? Is it really "mid-life"? Who is subject to experience this phenomena? Is it good or bad? All these questions I have asked myself ever since I discovered the term. I don't believe anyone can definitively answer these questions. From what I can gather the answers to these questions are as varied as the people who experience this event in their lives. By general definition I have experienced a "mid-life crisis" numerous times through out my life and I am only a few months from 30! The first time I can remember thinking "Oh shit, I'm going to die! What am I doing with my life?" was at about age 14 right after my grandfather died. Well I have surpassed 28 by a few years so 14 was not mid-life. The scary thought is that the other times I have relapsed in this thinking I have yet to reach the other side of. So if any of those were the true marking of mid-life then I have the variable of my life ending at 38, 40, 42, 44, and 50. Not one a desirable age to bite it. However, on a positive note, I haven't had one of those relapses since I was about 25 so it is safe to say I have hit on track.
In reality no one knows when they are going to travel the dust path. To ponder the subject is fruitless and wastes the thing you are so much fearing to lose, your life. For me I give the subject as little thought as possible. I have better things to do. I fund it funny that there are currently and have been extensive research to discover ways to predict your end. A foolish pursuit in my opinion since it seems like they are living to find death. Seems kind of counter productive. Let's say they succeed and they find an accurate way to predict it, who in their right mind would want to know? I couldn't imagine very many would. I personally don't like living by a schedule, but to know when you are going to die would be like living on the biggest schedule of them all!
There is this phrase I absolutely hate. No, not that one, this one: "Live everyday as if it were your last". People say the stupidest things! I get what the phrase is supposed to mean but it's not what it says. At some other point in time though a more intelligent person came up with a phrase that is far more poignant, "live life to the fullest". Now that's a suggestion I can get with. No fear in it, no scare just live and live big. Perfect! Or maybe that's just me. I don't take to scare tactics well. If you attempt to cow me with fear it'll only be met with aggression. Which is why most people, organizations, or whatever who have come at me with a need to fear the end just to get me to do things or think a certain way have made my shit list. I respect diversity and what works for me may not be what works for you. That is cool, it's what keeps life interesting ,just keep it off my lawn.

Uncommon Sense

2006-02-19T10:56:00.000-05:00

It used to be said that I had wisdom beyond my years, well I have caught up to my wisdom I think. What was once impressive youthful foresight has become crotchety know-it-allisms. There is still a great deal of sense in my advice and knowledges but since I acquired this through an accelerated maturing process I am now at an age where "normal" folks have gathered the same info. Granted the world is still full of complete dipshits but luckily I do not associate myself with them. On the same note though dealing with other intelligent folk can at times be more maddening than dealing with complete morons. In a situation involving the mentally deficient the outcome will always end in one of three ways. General confusion is the most common result but a close second is violence or aggression ( to be fair this can come from either side), and once in a while the encounter ends with a partial grasp of understanding. However in a meeting of the minds between people who have at least two brain cells to rub together the interaction will be long drawn out and in the end there is usually no resolve unless the two are of like mind and then there is just a seemingly endless back-and-forth of facts and opinions that are already known or shared between the two. In that case the resolve happens even before the interaction and all that takes place is a revel. I know that this is an over simplification of human interaction but I was just being general and in no way was I stating a rule. In fact I believe that there are few if any real rules in existence. It has been said that "there are exceptions to every rule" well then how are they rules? Sounds more like a guideline to me.

Inbetween Days

2006-02-17T18:45:00.000-05:00

Yesterday kind of pulled out for me in few ways. Despite my agony I did manage to accomplish some things. It felt good. Today however was worst than yesterday and I found myself throwing back a few bottles of beer to numb the pain. It's scary how well that works. Well you can imagine that due to that my day was pretty much shot. I tried to stay somewhat focused by I finally said 'fuck it' and passed out on the couch. I needed the sleep anyway. But fate decided that everyone and their dog needed to wake me up for no other reason than to stop me from sleeping. So I struggled fruitlessly for about an hour until I finally gave up. With a new baby coming I want to experience a full nights sleep where I wake up naturally and refreshed at least onece before the chances of that are gone forever. Okay, well not gone "forever" just postponed for quite a while.

In Amongst the Rubbish

2006-02-16T15:51:00.000-05:00

Last nights sleep was a trial. The pain in my ass (literally) kept me tossing and turning all night long. Between it all I was so exhausted that I would pass out almost immediately and I would get hard fitful grabs of sleep. And as happens anytime I don't get decent sleep coupled with back pain I wake with a headache that seems to persist through out the day no matter what I take for it! It seems to take aspirin or any other such pain reliever only dulls the pain for a period. Today has been what I like to call a "trash day". A day where nothing was accomplished what-so-ever and I am worse for the wear. A day that could have been thrown out at the start without ever having lived it and there would be no loss at all. I hate having these days. Sometimes I can salvage a scrap of usefulness out of the day but usually not. I'm not sure if today will be one of those days I can salvage, I hope so. It seems like on these days it takes every ounce of my being to just accomplish the bare minimum of what is required of me on a daily basis. It can make anything other than that seem way too overwhelming. So in keeping with the simple I'll keep this post short And bid you all a good day and I'll try again tomorrow.

High Level

2006-02-15T22:59:00.000-05:00

They say pain is a good thing. They say it reminds you that you are alive. "They" need to shut the fuck up! There are may things I can attribute my less than stellar health to, but I'm not so sure any of those are the real cause of all my misery. I know this post comes late but due to a nasty pain in me back I have spent a majority of the day prone and cursing. The whole "...for better or worse.." part of the wedding vows is really coming into play here. It worries my wife to the point of annoyance and for that I feel bad. Being used to being ignored by my loved ones was and is a bad thing but now having someone there to worry is nice and cumbersome all at the same time. I can't very well tell my wife to forget about me or stop worrying, I know, I've tried. But sometimes I wish she would for just a few days if only to let her relax and focus on her own things. I often don't feel I'm worth the time she spends on me but I do cherish every second she spends with me.
I don't have much to post today. I'm kind of preoccupied and a little distracted. The day kind of went by in a haze as I spent my awake time in a painful dream-like state. We'll see what happens tommorow.

State of the Union

2006-02-14T09:13:00.000-05:00

Well as is common knowledge to those who bother to know I am married. Have been now for nigh on seven years to the same wonderful and beautiful woman. This to me is a really long time, considering where I come from a long marriage is one that survives through the honeymoon. I feel that I have made a great accomplishment when I think about our marriage. Despite our pitfalls and trials we always seem to come out on top and that is extremely encouraging. So often couples buckle under the pressure and what only needed a little courage, falls by the wayside. I often times find it hard to consider someone of high caliber if they have been through a divorce. Granted I do take all things in to consideration and I do believe that divorce can be justified. My wife as case in point, she was going through a divorce when we met and her circumstances were such that I felt that her divorce was more than justified. In fact I have three solid reasons why a marriage should be terminated the first being violence/abuse. I do not tolerate this and I wouldn't expect anyone else to either. In fact a few female friends of mine in the past have come to me asking help with abusive boyfriends/husbands to which I was more than willing to help. I personally sent three assholes to the hospital and chased off countless others with less damage. I take this shit seriously but the why is a story for another time. The second reason is infidelity. I understand it is human nature to be promiscuous and that is all fine and good but if you make the decision to commit to one person then for fuck sake you had better be ready! I was notorious for having numerous simultaneous relationships back in the day but I knew I wasn't about to get married. I played it safe, had my fun and by the time I did get married I had sorted out my "wild oats" and was ready to settle down and have a family. That is not to say I don't find any other women attractive, hell I'm married not dead or gay! But it doesn't amount to anything. It's an artistic appreciation at best and I don't fuck art. To which my wife is grateful. I know that's a crude analogy but I'm sure you get my meaning. Lastly, to break one's wedding vow intentionally is grounds enough for a split. I know that the first two most likely are covered in this one but due to variations on wedding vows form self written to various religious ones I figured it's best to keep it separate. Unless the gods themselves come down from the mountain and say otherwise, you keep the promises you make!
So often people think that love is this separate entity that exists as a bond between two individuals. They cling to it until it goes away and then wonder what went wrong. In short, the answer is they did. Love is like a fire, it happens spontaneously when the circumstances are right but like all fire it will burn out without fuel. Fire consumes and it needs to constantly be fed. It is not self sustaining and it will never be sated. Love is work and it takes the commitment of the two to keep it alive but the rewards are immeasurable. So I say to everyone tend your fires, enjoy each other, and may it keep you warm for as long as you both shall live.

Happy Valentines Day!

A Near-Life Experience

2006-02-13T14:38:00.000-05:00

I actually let a day go by with out posting. I had hoped to not let that happen but as with anything in life nothing is set. As some who know me may know that we are expecting anther addition to the family. The arrival of this new bundle is looming big on the horizon in fact the due date is less than 2 months away! So we spent the bulk of yesterday making necessary purchases to complete the nursery. My wife is in the full blown stages of the nesting syndrome that accompanies the latter weeks of pregnancy. Have had a child already I was partially prepared for this but the last time we were living in a rental house and her nesting changes were limited. However now in a home we own she has been wanting to redesign the whole house. Luckily I have avoided having to do any major changes but that hasn't impeded her progress to seek changes. In fact she has completely designed a brand new house that she wants built. It includes everything she would want in a home the way she wants it which is great! I have no problems with her designs at all it's the reality of her timeframe that is the problem. Mentally she is already living in that house and it make me feel terrible that I can't give it to her. She has the baby's room planned in to the house but in reality the baby will be at least five or six by the time we can pull this off. Heck buying the house we are in now was an ordeal for me and it's not something I wish to do anytime soon but I do realize that we are quickly running out of room here and it's becoming a necessity. I concede this point and will work to make the new home a reality as soon as possible. It funny to think that growing up I thought to own a house was something only rich people did now after buying a house we are looking to buy, build even, a new house a mere five to six years later!
I detest moving, I hate not having roots. Despite what I thought I wanted as a youth I need to belong somewhere. I need to have a place to call home that feels permanent. Sadly with my wife's constant house planning and her growing discontent with this place I don't have the security and solidarity I so need. I have made it severely clear that our next move will be our last! That is why we are looking to have a home built to suit. I do not want to move again ever! Having this new dream/goal/project/future has me feeling again in a state of flux and I hate that feeling but on the other hand it makes me seek to resolve that feeling just to get it over with to make the new house a reality so I don't have to think about it again. I support my wife's wants and wishes but one thing she has to remember is that we come from very different backgrounds. In her family they moved every time the wind blew and in mine, I can only remember living in 3 different places all in the same small town and all within 10 miles of each other. The first two we lived in maybe one to two years and the last we were in ten to maybe thirteen years! So moving takes a toll on me she may not feel or understand. She respects my desire to not want to move anymore and she is going through great pains to make sure what she want is in the house will make her happy both immediately and longterm and I appreciate this greatly. As for what I want is the house? Not much I just ne a place to create and I'm happy. One modest sized room that can accommodate my crap and I'm good to go!

Frontline Combat

2006-02-11T15:54:00.000-05:00

There are so many things about me people do not know. Many of these things no one would or maybe even could believe. But they are 100% true, unaltered, unembellished fact. The world is a weird and surprising place if you are lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time. I have been many many times, maybe more so than any one person should be in a life time. UFOs, ghosts, mythical creatures? Check! Extreme Survival, unexplained phenomena, paranormal activity? Check! Discover a human body, witness a murder (vehicular manslaughter), Prevent a violent crime? Check! And there are even more extraordinary events I could list. I often read stories about people where just one of these events took place in their life and it was this dramatic turning point or traumatic life altering experience. I don't want to imply that I think less of these people or anything like that. It's just that I somehow have become desensitized or moreover I've developed an ability to process this information in a way that it's not a shock to my system. I still appreciate the overall uniqueness of these events and I feel lucky to have experienced them.
I have also done things that I think many would doubt or flat out call me a liar, In fact they have. I can't fault these people because I know how outrageous some of these things sound. But I'm not one to press the issue just to prove myself. I know it to be true and that's more than enough for me.
Here's an example on the lighter side: When I was about 13 or 14 my friend Robert and I would dress up as superheroes (super-ninjas rather)and patrol the rooftops of our hometown looking to prevent crime. We even succeeded a few times as well. One time we even managed to perform a disappearing act in a dead end alley while being pursued by a police officer after getting seen on one of our patrols. The feat was the result of sheer dumb luck.
That night Robert and I had brought along a friend of ours, Nathan. He was cool with the idea and we figured that 3 was better than 2 if the need arrose for some buttkicking. We each had our own weapon just in case we couldn't scare the bad guys off Batman style and had to up the intimidation factor. My weapon of choice was a homemade set of nunchakus that were twice as long and twice as thick as a standard pair. The gave the impression of a couple of logs hooked together with a 6 inch piece of dogchain and that is exactly what they were. My friend Robert used the old standby of a baseball bat spray painted black for easy concealment. We had also fashioned him a sheath for the bat that slung over his back. It looked cool but was extremely impractical because every time he tried to pull the bat out it would get stuck. Nathan made this, and I'll never forget it, a half-scale naginata from crap he had found around his house. He used the blade from large stainless steel carving knife, half a broom handle, a large washer, a couple bolts, and a crapload of black electrical tape. It was an impressive weapon. And yes Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were big at the time, why do you ask? That night we headed out to the highschool first since we would time our rounds with the standard rounds of the local sheriff just to avoid getting caught. We had our schedule down too but that night someone threw a monkey wrench in to our plans. It turns out that a state trooper was in the area just as we were making for the cover of the buildings and he saw us. Tires squealed as he turned his car around in hot pursuit and we had no choice but to take cover in the nearest alley between the buildings and then make our escape. Robert and I made for the alley but Nathan didn't and we didn't have time to call him back. Robert headed for a stack of milk crates as I ran for the shadows of a recessed set of double doors in an alcove in the alley. The police car came to a screeching halt in front of the mouth of the alley and the police officer came out with his hand on his gun and flashlight on and in hand. He scanned the place where I was hiding but even though he shined his light in what looked like every corner of the alcove, the recessed door I was hiding in the corner of remained hidden and he passed me by! I knew Robert most likely went to hide behind the stacks of milk crates and I knew for sure he would be caught since you could easily see through them. I was about to make a break for it to get the cops attention to let Robert escape when all of a sudden the officer ran out of the alley in a mad dash. He exited the alley and headed in the direction we last saw Nathan running. I was afraid that Nathan was toast but I had to at least get me and Robert to safety. As I left my hiding spot I headed to where I thought he would be hiding but I didn't see him and it looked like I could see right through the crates to the wall. This part of the alley was lit with one of those large mercury vapor lights so I couldn't see how the cop could have missed him or where he could have gone since I didn't see him leave. Then for the crates I hear a whispered "psst, Davy down here". I moved around the crates and there was Robert crouched down in behind them. By sheer luck the stacked crates created an optical illusion that made it look like you were looking though them to the wall behind unobstructed when in fact you were only seeing through half while the rest was the MV light reflected off the plastic of the crates!! We knew the police car was still blocking the alley and we were unsure of Nathan's fate but our thoughts quickly returned to our own necks and we had to get out of this alley. Then it hit me, the milk crates! They were stacked high and from the top there were but a few feet from the roof. We took a few crates down form the back of the stack and made a sort of stair to the top of the crates and from there we were on the roof. Cautiously we crawled along the rooftop so as not to be noticed and we looked out over the area in search of Nathan and the police officer. The officer was nowhere to be seen but we found Nate quickly enough. He was lying flat against the other side of a three foot wall not two feet form the bumper of the police car!!! Apparently when the officer headed that way he went around the wall because had he gone over he would have landed on Nate! Still the officer was no where to be seen so we got Nathan's attention and directed him over to the crates to bring him up to where we were.
Once together we thought it might be a good idea to locate and keep tabs on the cop so we would know when it was safe to leave. We managed to follow the rooftops of the whole school with easy an it wasn't long before we found our pursuer shining his light into all the windows and trying all the doors. We managed to get right above him, not five feet away and we followed him the whole time and he never once heard us or even looked in our direction. We could hear him talking on his radio telling whoever it was that the school was all clear and then he headed back to his car and we heard him say to himself "I'm chasing shadows!". He got back in his car and sped off.
We were dumbfounded by what just happened and inspite of ourselves we all burst out in to laughter. After we calmed down we told Nathan our story and that the cop had just given up and took off running. To which Nathan said that he had thrown a rock to get the officer's attention because he thought we were going to get caught since he knew that that alley was a dead end. Neither Robert or I heard the rock but something definitely got his attention. Nathan said he had heard the cop get out of his car pass around the front of it and he even said he saw the cops arm cross over the wall where he was hiding. Having seen their proximity I totally believe this. Lastly he said that after he threw the rock he berated himself because he pictured the officer jumping the wall and catching him. Instead though, he watched him run around the wall (still putting Nathan in plain view) and head off in the direction he threw the rock.
On our walk back to Robert's house after our grand adventure we remembered what the policeman had said walking back to his car "I'm chasing shadows!" and from then on we referred to our little troupe as "the Shadows".

You see? This is a completely true story. Not one bit of it is contrived, fabricated, or embellished in any way. Yet it is seemingly wholly unbelievable. I have many many stories like this one where it couldn't possibly be true outside of fiction but they are.

The World in My Eyes

2006-02-09T09:30:00.000-05:00

My life is leaning towards a certain level of routine. I am of two minds on this subject but one is far more prominent. As I stated before, in regards to planning ahead, that I was in a state of transition. That I was more and more seeing a sense to it. Well, to facilitate my transition, life has a found a way of almost forcing the issue. I am both slightly apprehensive about the prospect of life becoming routine while at the same time longing for it. Having lived a life where unpredictability was the norm it's nice to be able to relax and know, barring any unforseens, just what each day will bring in terms of what I need to do. Some may say that is boring and ten years ago I would have agreed with them but now I would say that boredom is self inflicted. Life is only boring if you let it be. In a life of routines only that which is required is routine everything in between is yours to do with as you please. I am lucky in that what I have chosen as a profession, though the mechanics of it can be routine, the out comes are vastly unique and exciting. Another thing I think brings a sense of boredom to the idea of routine is a lack of pride in ones work. People think too globally in their purpose or importance. This is a mentality brought upon by popular advertising which constantly bombards us with the ideas that we deserve this or that, that we can change the world with ease, and that the lives we lead are nothing compared to that of less than 10% of the world. Not that having aspirations are bad but many times the motivations or reasonings behind them are. I have to admit I like that Simon guy on American Idol. Though I only ever watch the show in the first few episodes to watch him dish reality to those who have delusions of being a singer. It goes against what Americans have been programmed to believe for countless decades, that you can be anything you want to be if you want it bad enough. And here is this severely British guy who basically says "you suck, your dreams are crap, find a new hobby!" I love it!! I give the hopefuls full marks for bravery though but I can't feel sorry for most who get reamed. They deserve it, they need to hear it.
Wow, I went from my life reaching the routine to American Idol! How do I do it? The point I was trying to make though, which has nothing to do with life becoming routine by the way, is that despite wanting to do something or be something you have to first be capable of doing or being it. Historically I know there are some major exceptions in all fields of profession but exceptions are not the norm thank goodness.

Declaration of Intent

2006-02-08T09:05:00.000-05:00

I realize that, so far, this blog has been full of nothing but extreme negativity and really that's just too damn bad. But one has to look at it from my perspective and to understand why I would create such a beast in the first place. The answer is both simple and complex. The simple answer is that it helps me get these negative thoughts and memories off my mind and chest. However, to delve deeper there is far more to the story. Even though this has the potential to be read by millions of people I don't care if anyone ever sees it. Okay, I'm lying, I do want people to see it but my hope is that the select few I want to see this actually will. Anyone else who happens upon it can take it as it comes. I don't seek pity or attention (at least not for this) I am just attempting to work through some things and give those who are close to me or involved in my life a chance to share in my struggles and journeys, perhaps even to understand me better. I hate secrets and I have been keeping some nasty ones even form myself. I don't expect this kind of openness from others, not everyone works the same way. But I need to be this open and in this way. I honestly can not think of another way to do this. Not any I would actually do anyway.
Many times throughout my adult life I have brushed off my childhood as "not that bad"," Others have had worse" I'd tell myself. But how many had it better, even marginally. Who sets the benchmark for a bad childhood? And if my childhood wasn't so bad why then am I still all fucked up about it this far into my life? My declining physical condition, my rollercoaster temperament all symptoms of this past that I tried to push aside as "not that bad". I have been hurt by this, maybe scarred by it and I'm angry! What have I lost because of it? What will happen to me if I keep trying to push it aside? How can I fix this or heal what damage it has done? How can I prevent this from hurting me further and effecting those I care about? I don't know but I now acknowledge the fact of it and I am ready to take it on full swing. But I want to tackle it on my terms I'm not about to let some stupid shrink label my "conditions" or prescribe the proper "treatments". My pain, my suffering, my sadness, or even my joy is not the result of some chemical imbalance! To admit that is to say that consciousness in nothing but a series of chemical reactions. I can't admit that, I can't even fathom that concept! Sure the idea of a magic pill that will make it all better is tempting, why do you think these psychotropic drugs are so popular? but I refuse to got that route. I want a lasting resolve not a dependency to a drug. So I am here, bearing my soul, searching for understanding, hoping to find resolve, wanting to let go of that which seeks to destroy me, trying to regain control of my life. Wish me luck!

Strategy Guide

2006-02-07T12:58:00.000-05:00

I really hate planning ahead, so often I feel like it's a waste of time. This it a reaction and thought pattern brought upon by my upbringing. Where you weren't even sure where you were going to sleep or sometimes even eat some days. Though I was brought up dirt poor this situation was not a factor in that. There was always food at my house growing up though the quality and quantity left for us kids varied greatly. Let me paint you a really fucked-up pture for you: Mother is hard at work over the stove broiling up a steak or chop with a fat corn on the cob boiling in a pot near by or a fat potato baking in the oven. Sound good so far? Well, I'm not done yet. Also boiling on the stove is a pot of cheap macaroni & cheese! No, this wasn't another side dish it was our dinner. The tasty meat and veggies were for my dear old mum alone. I remember scenes of my brother, sister, and I crouching around her feet (she usually ate on the couch watching TV) waiting (begging) for her to pass us down any scraps she didn't want, which was usually a piece of grissle she had chewed the meat from. And when there was no left overs she would kick us away like begging dogs. I hate my mother so much! They have a complex for guys who want to fuck their mothers but what about the guys who want to fuck their mothers up? What's that called?
Anyway, back to the point about planning ahead. Well after I got older (about 11 or 12) and I began to realize that living the way my mother made us was unacceptable and that people in what would've been considered in worse situations than ours didn't live like that. I found myself away form "home" a lot. Normal people call this "running away from home" I called it "running to find home". I never found it and I spent many a night sleeping in some very "interesting" places with and in the company of equally as "interesting" people. I remember a conversation I had with an old homeless man once in those days. He started the conversation to the effect "what's a boy your age doing homeless? Your mommy not let you drive the car?" I had sprouted to a rather tall for my age 5'8" at about 12 so I can for give the guy for his misguess of my age. After I told him how old I really was he backed off a little but still couldn't understand what I was doing in his neck of the backstreets (I use the term backstreets loosely because if you saw where it was I grew up there were few buildings much less streets but for the area it was the "backstreets" equivalent). I explained to him my situation and he was quite adamant about it not being as bad as I thought and that I was just a kid and was probably blowing things all out of proportion. To which I replied "if I am making this all up what the fuck would I be doing sitting behind a donut shop at 3 a.m. talking to your smelly ass and eating trash donuts freezing my fucking ass off!?". This perhaps isn't my exact words but I do remember the donuts, the cursing, his stink and telling him about it, it being late (or early rather) and being cold. I spent the better part of 12-13 bouncing around between my friends and my grandparents houses until I finally in desperation went back to my mother's house.
Then as you know my grandfather died and the shit hit the fan once and for all and I was out and about again until the end of my freshman year of highschool. It was then that I moved in with my grandmother. I think with her losing my grandfather and my basically being homeless we were both quite lonely. And that year was one of the best years of my life. But like all good things it ended. No me and my grandmother didn't have a falling out. The house she had lived with my grandfather was leased to them for a period of 15 years. It was a special arrangement with some old family friends. They were allowed to live in the house until the owners retired. Well, that arrangement seemed like a sweet deal for a young couple with 2 grown children. My grandfather had a good job working for Lockheed and my grandmother stayed at home liked to do gardening they figured they would buy a house in few years and be done with it. Well a year or two later my grandfather would be diagnosed with terminal bone cancer and given less than 6 months to live. Well that's not this story, to sum up the lease ran out in the year that I lived there with my grandmother. And due to my grandfathers Illness they never managed to buy a house so we were both out on our asses. The landlords had been more than gracious over the years so we cant fault them but we were left with little choice. One idea that was recurring was that we move in with my mother and I strongly resisted that idea up until the last but ultimately that's what we ended up doing. It wasn't 2 months gone by that was gone again and this was the case off and on from the age of 16-19. I would come back at the behest of my grandmother and in no time I'd be gone again. For numerous reasons, for example I would be chased out (had the police called on me by my own mother with her making saying that I was doing/selling drugs, robbing her or attempting to kill her or any other member of the family), attacked by any number of my mothers numerous lovers (sometimes on sight in town), accosted by my pedophile uncle (twice in public not to mention at "home"!). Needless to say I learned how to fight, run, and hide really well.
Wow, I rambled again but I do hope I illustrated how I came to the mentality that planning ahead was a waste of time. Well for me back then it was. Now, however, I'm finding that not planning ahead even for the smallest things could be near disastrous! It's so strange looking at where I've been and where I am in life. It's almost like it's another persons life I read about somewhere, if only that could be true.

The Great Divide

2006-02-06T10:34:00.000-05:00

Too often I find my self at the butt of my own jokes. Tough most of these go unheard by the general public I still tell them. No, I don't talk to myself, wait, yes I do. But I don't tell myself jokes. That would be crazy. Instead I will goof on things that apply to me in the indirect way that it also will apply to someone else. Thus the focus is diverted from me to the individual or incident that has attracted my ire or mirth. In short, I am drawn to ridicule that which most reminds me of myself. Well, that which reminds me of what I do not like about myself. I know some people will be offended and some will share in the humor that's just human nature. But If I do get any grief I can take a page from the blacks and say that because I am it too (whatever it is that I am making fun of) I am allowed to talk shit. It's not a particularly health justification but it is all that I have.
I also want to say that, in the above statement, I used blacks as an example of a person or persons who can spoof or stereotype themselves or those of like circumstance without much criticism. As a matter of fact I'd like to take this opportunity to set something straight. Many people over the course of my life have accused me of being racist and I must say that this totally and completely true! What? Did he just say that? Yes I did and I'm strong in my convictions against the human race. That's right the entire human race! Black, Caucasian, Asian, Hispanic, these are not races these are breeds just as Persian, tabby, Bengal, hymilayan are breeds but they are still all cats just as we are all humans.
As Webster defines it:

race- noun 1: a family, tribe, people, or nation of the same stock; also: MANKIND

Well, if you are Christian then there is no excuse for you to play the race card or ever make any derogatory comment on someone's "race" since by your belief we all originated from the same first couple of the world. That, and the word "mankind" is pretty all encompassing. lets read on shall we? oh yes there is more.....

race- noun 2: a group of individuals within a biological species able to breed together

I'm no biologist or expert in the matters of breeding but as far I as know I have never encountered a case where people from different lands or of different shades were incapable of reproducing.

So it's settled we are all of one race, one species called human and I don't like you! I prefer fish. But seriously, I just don't like the people of the world in general. Granted there are those individuals out there and some that I have encountered that I do indeed like, love, or even admire. But their numbers are not a such to change my current general opinion. Not until I turn on the news one day to have the anchorman say:
"Well, it's a good day today. We all seem to be getting along and the Middle-East is currently holding their annual bake sale. The United States has finally opened all it's borders and apologized for being such dickheads and most other countries have followed suit. And today marks the first day of Happyfloofyworldlove Fest, go out and enjoy! Also don't miss our report at eleven where a take a look back in this chilling expose 'Nuclear Weapons and Religion: What were we thinking?'"

Since this will never happen, at least not in my lifetime, I'll keep with my philosophy. Some may say "why don't you try and change the world then, instead of hating everybody?" I'll give you a few reasons why- Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr, Adolph Hitler, Mother Teresa, Osama Bin Ladin, and Princess Diana. All great proprietors in the movement for change and all dead or soon to be without anything to show for it save a few pages in a history book. The world isn't ready for change, who knows if it ever will be but I can near guarantee you one thing is that I'll have nothing to do with it. Conversely, if I have the power make a differnce in the lives of my friends and family I will do all that I can to make it happen. Because that is my world not the great ball of mud that increasingly seems smaller than it really is.

A Vicious Tricycle

2006-02-05T12:49:00.000-05:00

I have said that in writing these entries, these details of my fears, failings, and fondnesses, that it acts as a type of therapy and it does. My only question is that in doing this, without a counter point, what subjects am I avoiding? Which are just smokescreens that I use to hide myself from perhaps the real issues? I have no real way of knowing but I do know that I refuse to censor myself in these posts. I won't write anything that isn't true nor will I write anything just for a reaction or effect and all messages from the devil will be written in straightforward, easy to understand, american english. There will be no backmasking here! I have always abhorred the act of analyzing writing and I would hate anyone to attempt to do such to the words that I have written. That's not to say I dislike metaphor, simile, or symbolism. I just detest allegory. If you want to say the president is a buttfucking baby killer then say that! Don't try to mask it in a story about a wombat that likes dandelions stapled to clouds while he does the backstroke in lemon pudding! I remember getting into so many arguments with teachers in school about interpretations of literature. Many of my educators were learned folk to be certain but few of them were very intelligent. I even had a teacher that crusaded against me because of my spot on interpretation of Shakespear's MacBeth. I even had historical and biographical evidence to back up my words. But my teacher wouldn't have any of it for one stupid reason: they were taught otherwise and no books they had ever read supported my theory. Suffice it to say that year went horrible for that teacher and I made sure of it. Not because they disagreed with me, hell I'm not one used to being on the side of popular opinion, but because this "educator" lacked the ability to see or accept original thought. Despite all this though I think the teacher actually liked me. I passed with an A and they always complimented my readings of Shakespeare and Shaw and gave me what I felt were undue praises on my writing prowess. Yet I served a good portion of that school year serving detentions and suspensions due to that teacher, strange.

The POW! ZAP! WHAM!

2006-02-04T16:48:00.000-05:00

I have long held the belief that is it better to expect the worst. In this way of thinking you have two forms of positive reinforcement. One: When things go wrong you have the satisfaction of knowing you were right or in certain circumstances the ability to say "I told you so!". Two: When things do go right or good things happen you can enjoy the pleasant surprises. In a way, this mindset, sets you up for a life filled with potential ups. However this is also a very selfish way to live. In that those around you have to put up with your more-often-than-not negative attitude. Having a family of my own I see now, more than ever, how my mood, attitude, and temperament directly effect my environment. It's almost an immediate response. I'm not saying it's my mood alone that dictates the flow of the household. Each one of us contributes to the sum of the whole. Thus each one's reaction to the other's current state of being is the mood of the household and this is an ever changing entity in and of itself. Heck even the cat is a factor.
Taking all this into consideration and over the course of the last eight years I have somewhat mutated my philosophy or at least the way in which I practice it. Though I still expect the worst I outwardly hope for the best, which isn't really any different I just make my desire for the best outcome known rather than leave it unsaid. This may seem like a simple change but it really isn't. It's breaking a habit. I have read in published reports that, on average, if a person makes a conscious effort to act in contrary to the habit they wish to break for 21 days, they will. In turn they replace one habit with another. In my situation of basic pessimism the habit is not constant but situational and unpredictable. The trick is to catch it as it happens and correct as necessary. I don't always succeed, but that isn't to say that I never. In the foolish argument of nature or nurture I believe that it is the method of nurture that develops one's nature and thus in breaking a habit or pattern you have to self nurture to facilitate a true change. As it is said "no one can make you do it, YOU have to want to do it." and I believe that is a sound truth. I won't downplay support or encouragement since it is invaluable when one attempts the life changing process. I just want to emphasize that those will not, by themselves, ever bring about the desired change. Too many people I have known thought that the solutions to all their problems lay in one special person. Be it a boyfriend, girlfriend, a shrink, or even a god these people were never happy, never 'fixed' many found them selves with new problems on in new but equally as bad habits. All because they sought something/someone to change them rather than taking the responsibility to change themselves.
I can't condemn those who haven't the courage to attempt to enact change upon themselves or their lives. I am and have been guilty of the same crime. But more often I have been guilty of attempting change and then giving up and not seeing it through. This to me is the bigger crime to one's being. To take the biggest step, to admit and then to take steps to make a change, only to quit before it has a chance or at the first sign of any difficulty is an unforgivable act. It's a waste of time and a waste of life and for a guy like me where the ever present fact of death, the ending of this life, looms on the horizon the act of wasting it is the most heinous of offenses.

In the Outside Looking On

2006-02-03T01:20:00.000-05:00

Sleep, or rather the lack thereof, has alienated me from my life once again. Right now I should be sound asleep, should have been now for a few hours at least. I just can't! Reading has never helped, I won't tolerate a bad book and a good one will just grab my attention and I'll forget about sleep.
At this moment I feel like I could nod off with out hesitation but I know the moment I stand up and make my way upstairs I'll be wide awake and staring at the ceiling. It's in these moments that I get my best story ideas. I really should keep a notebook next to my bed. In fact, I'll do it right now. I have just grabbed an notebook and a pen and I will take this with me when I finally get up to bed (which will be 5 minutes before I need to be awake).
I've had a problem with insomnia and just sleeping in general since about the age of 14. I am fairly certain it is a direct result of my fear of death which manifested itself when my grandfather died. His death was the second I had ever experienced. The first was that of a distant second cousin that I had never actually met outside of my infancy. The experience was emotional and scary but due to the nature of his death there was no body and it was just a mass of people crying over a box. The focus for me was the actions of all the mourners which dictated to me how I should feel and react. I cried but it was more autonomic to the what was happening around me rather than truly reactionary to the death of a relative. I remember people telling me how grown up I was (I was about 10 or 11) and that they were amazed and touched I showed so much emotion at the loss of this man. I couldn't tell them I was only crying because they were.
It was the death of my grandfather a few years later that I actually experienced death for the first time on a personal level. When I was quite young I knew that people died and that everyone will eventually die. However in my young naive mind I took this to mean that everyone would die at the same time. I had visions of what that day would be like and it wasn't scary I was always with my Grandparents and they we always reassuring. My only concerns were that I have at least a good ten years of life first (which to me was a really long time). I did have one fear now that I think about it, I was afraid that when the day came that everyone was going to die I wouldn't and I'd be left all alone. You may wonder why no one ever tried to set me straight on my thoughts? The answer is simple: I never told anyone. I "knew" in my mind that's how things were so there was no need to discuss it. Obstinate and bullheaded were (are) words used to describe me especially as a child.
Then came the passing of my grandfather, in a lot of ways really my father. This man played the role of father to me from the day I was born. Everything I ever learned about being a man I learned from him, every standard I set upon myself is measured by what he has done or what he has said to me.
His death was the result of a 13 year battle with a most devastating form of bone cancer. In that time I basically grew up with the fear of him dying at any time, but he didn't, he was strong and always put on the strong front for us even when we could tell he was in pain. When the finally succumbed to the disease we got the news almost immediately. But when I heard it I couldn't believe it, I didn't cry, it wasn't real. Perhaps in my mind, though I wan then 14, I still had remnants of the belief that we were going to die together. At the funeral though reality came crashing in like flash flood. I couldn't move, I could barely breath. It's hard to write about even now.
I refused to attend the viewing and opted to wait until the actual funeral. I am glad I did that because had I went in early I would have never come back in. I looked upon him once during the funeral where at the end the families had the chance to say one last "goodbye" as you exited the ceremony. I only looked at him for a split second before turning away again and that image will be forever burned in to my mind. Any remnants of childhood I had left we gone in that instant. I changed, drastically, almost overnight. I went form being a wisecracking, good-natured rebel-without-a-cause kid to being an angry, sardonic, hateful, depressed adult artist. For the five years following I rarely slept and I began to scare people, I said things no one wanted to hear, I did things no one wanted to see. But his is a story for another time..........

The Awakening

2006-02-02T09:31:00.000-05:00

I am not a believer in the inherent goodness of other people. In fact I can barely fathom a reason why anyone would give half a shit about anyone else (aside form family or friends of course). I think this stems from my upbringing and as much as I'd like to leave it all behind me I find that, more and more, the things that I'd much rather forget have ingrained themselves into my life again somehow. It is no secret to those who know me that I loath and detest my mother and father. Many are baffled when they discover this. Coming from decent families themselves they can't imagine how someone could have such feelings toward their own parents. And as hard as the reality of it is to live with I can understand their inability to grasp the concept. Many have offered the standard questions of "do you think you could ever reconcile?" or "but don't you still love them?". To the first the answer is "no" absolutely not! Not only is it impossible on both ends but there is absolutely nothing to gain in even attempting it. For the second question the answer is also "no". However the pain that comes form this may well be the result of an innate love that a child does feel for it's parents or rather the desire to be loved by ones parents. I will admit it pisses me of to know that I have a mother and a father, both living, that want nothing to do with me. Not even so much as a generic Christmas card. That wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that I send them one every year! Though I do believe that finally this past year I didn't and won't, ever again. Come to think of it here's a little story just to illustrate how fucked up my family is since we are on the subject of cards and what not: Last year I receive a card in the mail just days before my birthday from my aunt (father's sister). I was touched and a little excited that someone in my family remembered my birthday. This was short lived and soon replaced with anger and rage when I actually opened the card. In side was indeed a card and a letter but the card was an invitation to celebrate my grandmothers birthday!! A woman who hadn't been in any real contact with me in almost ten years! I then peruse the letter to see if there was even a byline or hastily written "oh by the way happy birthday too" Nothing! It was a generic form letter explaining what they were going to do for the party and I think they asked for money or some crap. I dropped the letter and card on the ground stepped on it and left it there and refused to even go near it again. My entire family was dead to me, I was treated as little more than an acquaintance by that letter. I had no family. I am by all accounts an orphan and have been despite my parents both being alive.
I don't need them, I have all the family I need with my wife and our child (soon to be children!) and our friends. My wife's family is wonderful and they always make me feel welcome. It's more than I could ask for and I am so grateful.